second rant

selfie world of torture ... what the actual fuck. i cant open any social media now days without a selfie feed and im gonna throw it up. why?? do you think you look that good and you have an emotional deep need to be told by everyone that sees it that you are soooo gorgeous... or do you loath yourself and a picture of your perfection must be posted on every screen because your personality sucks so bad your beauty is all you have...is there no one around you to put in the selfie that fills your life with joy.. that would be called a welfie? i have around 1000 friends and about 30 of them have an entire media of just self portraits of there face everyday. most of the time in the car, in front of the mirror, or in their bathroom. one guy looks like he has posted his head on different clothes like GI JOE OR BARBIE..same pose, same smile, just different outfit and one lady leaves her seat belt on in the picture EVERY SINGLE DAY! the only thing different is her shirt. I understand one here or there if you think you might be looking ok that day or if your hunting someone to see you and maybe beg to fuck you, but every single day and you only have pictures of your "living" as hey, this is how my six pack or lipstick looks today! my life is boring otherwise. read a book for shit sake , the world outside is phenomenal! the universe expands every second not just the dead cells that have grown from your head or fingers! i really could care less about the color of your fucking nail polish and that is about TWO OF THE MEN!!! i know.... im a bitch today

Rant of whats more likely...really??

im 51 years old and about 10 or 11 years ago i came to the conclusion that i had lived most of my life with the belief that there was a GOD who created me knew me loved me and would change the way of the world because i prayed to him. It all seems so absurd to me now and i feel as though the reason i believed is not because i felt his presence in my life but because that was what i was taught by everyone around me and what i needed to survive the horrible things that were happening in my life and in the world. God made the devil.. but no way he could be evil..?? love love love.. but the evidence is right the opposite of love when you think of what the bible actually says..or what your true thoughts about other people really are! i wonder sometimes do people even listen to how they talk??? *that baby girl was so sick and cancer eat her insides out and killed her slowly and painfully and she rotted from the inside out because GOD LOVED HER and saw fit that she would be a testimony of his perfect love?? ooorrrrr maybe she was being punished because someone in her family sinned and she would be the price for that sin... consequence because the brutal murder of Jesus was not enough. dont live this life on earth only look to heaven .. geez that is so fucking stupid. what is more likely? evolution of an animal species that created a god to rule over people and came up with anthropological ideas to explain how science works because we didnt have the answers we have now...(REMEMBER WE HAVE ABOUT 3000 RELIGIONS NOT JUST YOURS) ooooor, this vast universe was made by a spirit who just moved around in the middle east and watches our every move to see if we only worship him and has ABSOLUTELY NO REAL CONTACT WITH US ANYMORE EVER! except what we make up out of words written in a book by old men who killed who they wanted to, took what they wanted from everyone who was not as smart as they were and had sex with everyone they wanted, oh and free will, unless we dont want to do what he says, then we burn in hell or get swallowed by a whale and stuck in his belly until we comply. we are to trust and believe in this book until we need something that doesnt happen and then we are to believe it was his will..this god that loves us soooo much.. he needs us to suffer and be sick or get murdered or raped or abused to test our faith and love for him :( but he will help you find your car keys or buy that new dress youve wanted for days. but that tumor in uncle grandpas head can just keep on growing because hes not as good as you!?) my best friends son was tragically killed young, he was a good person.. but this drug filled piece of garbage over here, my ex son in law, has a great life and mistreats all gods good people.. he gets to live. get your new outfit on for the sunday service and pretend to pray and be holy, when all thats in the back of your mind is.. all these people suck but im great and whats for dinner after this bullshit!!! after all these years, over 12 yrs actually, I have never looked back or waivered on the belief that there is not! not! not! a god and really cant understand why people think he is real except for the fear of going to hell that has been pounded in your brain your whole life and you only read the part of the bible that makes you feel good. we now have the scientific method to exchange ideas and if we can come to the conclusion that we are a tiny wild flower that popped up and we are going to die, life would become so precious and we would know that evolution is a horrible and painful process that god did not invent.. even though since he did create evil and death and murder and rape and sin..why not right??? i dont kill people or mistreat people because i chose kindness not because im afraid to die and get punished by this god that loves me but because i chose life and a good life, to love others and care about someone besides myself and know that THIS IS IT! THE ONE TIME I GET A FEW SHORT YEARS TO LIVE MY BEST HAPPY LIFE AND IM GONNA MAKE IT GREAT!!! get over yourselves! your not so special that he keeps your tears in a bottle over your hurt feelings or your body breaking down or whether or not you like the car and house you own and want better for it. be a good person without needing an imaginary friend who is all powerful and has chosen not to show himself real to you because those feelings you get from praying and singing jesus music are the same feelings you get from your brain about new love or your team winning in that sport you pray about. REASON ... ITS THE ONLY TRUE EMOTIONAL HAPPINESS

what the fuck! my quest for relief of a headache and a fat ass!

okay its the 13th of August 2019. i weigh 189.0 today. its coming off so slow but worth it even though i am starving to fkn death. not being dramatic or anything but TO FUCKING DEATH..my shirts are too big.. my pants are baggin and i cant be happier about it. i have had about 40 migraines in the past few months and i am just about to lose my damn mind. my vision has been off for a week now.. i see flashes of different colors in the "front porch" of my 3-d eyesight. i have to act normal when my mind makes me feel like im living in a funhouse with stroblights and loud screams from clowns and tiny little gobblings running around me.. i feel like im retarded and should be in a corner rubbing shit in my hair. this struggle with a headache that is nothing like a headache can only be a curse. i cant even complete a full thought and have had to read everything at least twice with my eyes squint up...still blurry. fuck me! it makes me so mad! why cant i just be normal. i have to fight with food, fight with pain, worry my ass off about my kids and hubby. being sick doesnt get easy. i can say that being 51 and with all the problems that seem sure ahead, i still have never been happier. i love my life with my hubby and can say for sure its the greatest life even with the worries. he is pretty fantastic. i think i might be a mutant..noone can take this much pain at once.."super hero headache lady" my teeth feel numb today..how stupid does that sound and noone understands but i will not fall back on eating crap that makes me even sicker. ive been taking my side view pictures in the long mirror at work in the morning and its funny how my pictures look different as i get smaller but how it seems like im getting shorter?? but the reality of my huge fat ass everyday helps keep me in check even though ive finaallly cracked the less than 190 mark. maybe just maybe if my period desides to start ever again i will lose another 10 pounds of lady parts that i dont need anymore. but for now...today..i will be happy with the three pounds i keep going up and down and my life will be unicorns and pixie dust no matter big my ass is.

Turkey Burger Baby

When I got on the scale this morning, after not having any dinner last night except for a hot cup of mocha coffee , I am @ 196.6 lbs. my size 14 jeans do not cut my waste in half today and my shirt does not round up over my belly, which has gone down from sticking out past my floppy old lady titties. But for some damn reason after eating my healthy turkey burger with sweet peppers cut up inside it (which was delish) I got me a cup of joe and ate a pack of cheese crackers with 9 goddamn grams of fat in them!!!! wtf??? My mind kept saying, what are you doing! what the hell are you doing!!! they tasted like pure oily shit BTW and I did not stop and even breathe the entire time I was eating them. wash it down, wash it all the way down with mocha gold and never look back. Now I feel like a complete failure, a fatty fatty peter belly who cant control what she eats!. I cant, I really cant control myself, and nothing will stop me once I put my sights on something bad to eat. Not sure why I hate myself.... I really can control it you know. I have went days without eating not much of anything. It has been months since I have had a baby coke and used to down two or more a day. Oh and lets not talk about the bag of peanut butter cups I used to nibble on all day @ work. But in slow motion I watched myself sabotage my mission of being healthy for that few seconds of *what ever the fuck I want to do* it was like I was pissed off @ that turkey burger for being what it was! a healthy cunt! well lets just wait out another week to release 1 stupid LB and go on with our lives.... fuck!

.... WHATEVER

BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT.. I have no words, i cant figure out if I'm emotional because I'm starving or my feelings are really hurt.. the tears keep showing up on my face but I think I'm mad?? Fuck if I know. I don't know if anyone else in the room noticed either or even cared. Oh Kimmie is not hurt or mad shes not like that , just say 'whatever' she will go along with any of it, no big deal. Well I guess its not as long as I don't make a big deal out of it. So eat shit with a fork and smile :) that's what I do. At least I would be eating something, I am finally down @ 200 lbs again which is still on the death obese list for my height of 5'2" (when I tiptoe) I ate a boiled egg salad with cucumbers yesterday and a handful of blueberries THAT'S FUCKING IT! Its so hard when the food planning goes to hell because you know you cant cheat , you cant eat after 6 pm and nowhere to just stop by and get fast food poison..so I try to sit quietly and not think about my stomach hurting and my head hurting and now my heart hurts too. I still can cram about 25 small peanut butter cups in my mouth or eat a huge bag of cheetos if I wanted to and I would feel better for 5 minutes... I realize it would only hurt me and I would be right back where I started. I am walking around @ night with a big piece of crunchy lettuce like a god damn rabbit and rabbits are FAT! I feel lost today..just lost..drowning in what I call other peoples bullshit river. where are my floaties?

DOWN AGAIN

I AM LITERALLY SO HUNGRY MY STOMACH HURTS. LIKE IM HOLLOW AND I HAVE THE SUGAR SHACKS AND BABY COKE NEEDS.. BUT IM DOWN TO 202.6 LBS, SO IM ON THE BANKS OF THE BULLSHIT RIVER TODAY. LETTUCE TURKEY TACOS, BOILED EGGS, TURKEY SPAGHETTI WITH ZUCCHINI NOODLES, BLUEBERRIES AND LACROX WATER WITH CRYSTAL LITE. NOT RUNNING OR EXERCISE YET.. CEPT FOR SEX. I AM OK... I AM! WE TOOK THE WEEKEND TO GO TO THE RIVER AND KAYAK WHICH IS ALWAYS FUN. ANYWHERE I CAN STAY CLOSE AND TALK AND LAUGH WITH MY HONEY IS GREAT. I SOAKED UP ALL THE VITAMIN D THE SUN WOULD GIVE ME..YES ALL OF IT! YOU CAN NEVER GET TIME BACK WHEN YOU LOSE IT, SO MY ARMS WANTING TO FALL OFF FOR THE FIRST 20 MINUTES WAS NOT A BIG DEAL. IT GOT BETTER AS THE DAY WENT ON AND I FIT IN MY YAK, SO THATS A PLUS, ALTHOUGH MY BIG ASS ALMOST CAUSED ME TO TIP OVER A FEW TIMES BUT I KEPT IT STEADY. IT WAS EASIER THAN I THOUGHT TO STAY ON MY DIET THIS WEEKEND TOO. JOEY IS EATING PRETTY MUCH WHAT I HAVE BEEN COOKING AND OUR PICNIC WAS PACKED WITH HEALTHY SNACKS. I MADE GARLIC SHRIMP AND BROCCOLI FOR LUNCH ONE DAY AND IT WAS THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER TRIED TO EAT, GROSS! SHRIMP IS NOT MY FAVORITE AND THE BROCCOLI WAS MUSHY..I WANTED TO PUKE. MY COOKING SKILLS HAVE GOT TO INPROVE @ SOME POINT SO WE DONT STARVE. AS YOU CAN TELL IM NOT MY USUAL KIDDING AROUND SELF BUT THAT WILL COME BACK IN A FEW DAYS WHEN MY GUTS ARE NOT CAVING IN ON THEMSELVES. GROUCHY, HUNGRY, MEAN AND I HATE EVERYBODY RIGHT NOW.. INCLUDING MYSELF. STAYING STRONG ..I GOT THIS!

Drowned, Dead, & Washed up on the River bank like a whale

well hello there... I bet you can never guess what bullshit is going on this year..yep I'm phat! I have a gym in my house but never use it, I never run anymore, I eat like I should two or three days a week and the rest is spent with full blown hand motions of cramming in food food glorious food into my mouth! I am @ 208.6 lbs..gross, this winter has been a lay in bed 24/7 season.. except when I am working and when I am working I am sitting on my ass in front of a computer. Sex, which is still awesome, is the only exercise I get and no way am I giving up that. Although I do not have a clue how my sweet husband even finds my vagina anymore because it is lost under the rolls of thunder thighs and tumor belly that I hide under cute clothes and a tan. How sexy am I? not at all, but he has been eating with me and we are both a couple of fat asses. now..how bad am I gonna let it get, back up to 250 lbs?..298 lbs was my heaviest point before my lap band surgery, I seem to be well on my way! I am watching myself get bigger and acting like its not happening, until today. Today is the day this bullshit ends! I had to walk up my street to get my car and I almost fell over! I was breathing like I was having a panic attack! So good bye doughnuts, fuck you cupcakes, never again baby cokes..you can suck it! I want to live and I want to live being comfortable in my clothes because I'm not buying new bigger ones ever again. I still want to be laid up next to my sexy husband all day everyday just not like a beached rotten whale. ok lets see me not die..may 20 2019.