Now im like ..whatever..

Its been a while since my last blog..I am a woman out of control as always but my blog is called drowning in the bullshit river not drowning in denial river..I know im out of control..HENCE THE BLOG... I lost all control on Halloween I ate so much candy that the verge of puke state lastest two days. Chocolate mustache was beginning to look like a real porn tache and skittles looked like hair bows stuck in my willie wonka curls. I think my eyes even changed colors due to the sugar rush. The crash came with a personality dysfunction I may have acted a bit ugly till my blood flowed clean again till the scale showed a normal read. My big fat bubble guts jiggled a little louder as I ran and cried but at this point it was all worth it.  Now it's after Thanksgiving and all I really went crazy on was my mother in laws dressing and that shit should be marketed and sold in stores so also worth it. But today???? Im having a hard time.. I need candy I need comfort..I need to punch babies. Will there ever be a time when food is not my enemy?? Ugghh I need to run ..run away

Hallowbullshit...

What a fucked up day..I head out in the freezin cold this morning to go get stuff to kill the fleas on december (again) and my gas light comes on.. of course. Im not driving slow cause lets face it I never drive slow and theres a huge board in the way of me turning into the gas station so I just turn a little farther down and BAM I hit the huge curb with my new car. It sounded like the back of my car broke off and a second little light said low tire pressure..shit! I turn around and go directly to walmart. When I get out and look at the damage ive done I want to throw up..there are not enough cuss words to even come close to helping so my only alternative?? Tears.. my back tire is flat and my beautiful wheel is stratched :(...  the walmart guy tries to put air in it and it leakes right back out... guess what I learned today..if you buy a 2015 car it will not come with a spare tire.. (loads of stuff to say but moving on) so now I have  to call kevin (ex husband now)and take him away from work he gets there says "the fun never stops" (cause he is an ass) pays for me a tire and goes back to work. 30 minutes later the Guy comes out says my wheels have locks and he cant get my wheel off without the key that is not in the car.. (the key that is at home in the garage) :/ I call kevin no answer ..kia they are assholes.. klee no answer.. kerry no answer ..god no answer..im fucked. Kevin calls back 30mins later hateful and is too far away so I decide im calling a taxi..30$ to wait 35 minutes for him to get there and drive me 5 miles!! No way! The sweetest little girl that works there offered to let me take her car..I took it.. filled up her gas tank and gave her the 30$ good people do still exist. I want you to know I have been at walmart for over five hours at this point and was ready to walk home. Im not sure which was worse the fact that I hurt my new car or realizing some other things that I dont want to really face right now..so after I get home I have never been more thankful for halloween and so happy that im so selfish not one kid got any candy from me last night so I still had lots to drown my sorrows in. I ate candy till my skin smells like candy mountain and my tears like kool-aid..this day can kiss my butt on its way out.. tomorrow im doing something fun just for me cause detoxification will have to begin..halloween rehab♡

Monster cereal...

One of each..Frankenberry..Countchocula..Booberry. its halloween so the monster cereal is on every shelf at Publix so its a need..a want..a must..I take it home with my 0% fat milk (creamy colored water) and I start with Frankenberry cause hes the prettiest and im so disappointed.. it really does taste like pencil shavings...the berries are not that sweet or my taste buds have gotten old. To be honest its kinda slimy not fun at all so I put it in Decembers bowl and she looks at me like I'm crazy. She wont even eat it. So one at a time my childhood eating adentures are shot down..crash n burn..back to my bowled egg and coffee. At least when I run a frankenberry wont jump out of my nose because cardboard doesn't digest. 

Friend day..

Friend day!!!! It used to be everyday when me and Heather would get together and do lunch and talk talk talk..but since I moved way over here in ooltewah we only have friend day once a month. We went to the movies which we all know has the most mouth watering poison in the world. She promised no popcorn and we didnt. What an awesome supportive friend. I did carry cheese.. nuts and yogurt balls in my purse and she didnt judge me. :) Today I get on my runnin hat and start slow as always..its still dark of course so noone in the neighborhood will see my ass floppin..I get up the hill and it starts to pour the rain.. I just kept runnin..runnin..runnin..crying..crying..crying. theres nothing like it. Life comes pouring with the rain..hurt frustrations anger..all come running down my face. I want to stop and eat a twinkie but a good song comes on and I chose to sing. .loud..I hope I wake up everyone within ear shot. Someone ask me yesterday what do you do when life gets comforted by food..I dont know I said. And I dont.. What do we do?? Life is hard..we get up ..breathe in and out..the belly hurt takes over sometimes till the only way to stop it is eat....or run. If I run hard enough...fast enough..maybe it wont catch me. Revenge only hurts me but it might be better than food.. im sure it weighs more. So I invite life in and give it the finger. This moment is awesome and then the next moment is awesome..then I run into my garage soaking wet and dance to taylor swift..shake it victory dance..if only snoopy or Heather were here :)

Livin the sweet life...

Halloweenie!!! One of my favorite holidays.  Not because of spooks.. scary movies or thiller being played every 7 minutes but because of the CANDY! Halloween candy isles have their own theme song. You walk in..music plays ..*tada yummy yummy (yes I wrote it) lights flash and rainbows shoot across the beautiful pieces of sugar poison. I can buy enough to last till Thankgiving candy because I dont give out candy to little children..I keep it for myself.. then thanksgiving last till Christmas candy which is pretty damn good. The sweet chocolate that I put in everyones stocking is just a trick cause im really gonna steal it later and eat it myself. Valentines..well we all known how gorgeous that huge snoopy box of chocolates my honey buys me is.. one bite then put that piece back..another bite on a dark piece..then another..yummmm. then I wait for Easter candy..the greatest candy ever!!! Not just the kinds of candy but the beautiful colors put a smile on my face for weeks. And fat rolls on my chin for years. Easter candy doesnt last till 4th of July candy and its not so good and never last till the long wait back to halloween....* trick or treat.. swell my feet..give me cheese n nuts to eat! Bullshit I want poison

Life is a box of choc..shit!

Life happens.. in the middle of life..life just happens.  You get in a routine and then shit starts happening and your routine falls to little tiny pieces..like rabbits turds all over your path to success. I know this blog is about my weight loss journey and the bullshit river im drowning in but I must trail off the norm for a minute. Our darling daughter got married this weekend and I cant tell you the emotional roll a coaster I have been on. Stress yes but watching her be so excited and happy has been true happiness for me. I would hear her laughter as she went from event to event yesterday and it was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. she has spent her entire life sick but has grown into the strongest most kind women I know who takes no bullshit from anyone. And I could not be more proud to be her mom.... so with all the moving and wedding planning I have had no time to cook and pre..prepare my meals. I haven't eatin a bunch of junk but have skipped meals and left out greens and water somedays. That is even worse than eating bad stuff cause my fat thinks its starvin and wont leave its nice warm home around my stomach. I have not run everyday or even walked fast...I also noticed during this busy busy month that what boobs I have left have become flat. Not flat chested but flat like they have been put in a waffle maker and smashed. WTF. And then I go to the store cause im am constantly going somewhere and I realized today I look like a hobo who has been poppin tags. Ive lost all this weight and half the time my clothes are three sizes too big. Was looking good in clothes that dont ride up into your huge ass not part of the reason for weight loss? I have no answers as to why I do the crazy shit I do but when I find out this scooby doo mystery I will know why I was so damn fat. One day I will be able to open a box of chocolates and eat just 1 piece. Till then I'll keep my head above water one event at a time. One drama at a time. One bullshit pile at a time.

Butt front ...

My bubble butt is gone..its saggin like the two pigs fightin in a sack died and got roasted but my big fat bubble guts are still there. If stress fat is in your belly well I got a 10 lb baby in there! I went to buy a suit today and never ever ever did I image I would buy a size 12 and it be baggy Last time I bought a suit it was size 22... now mind you this is a victory but I want you to know if I didnt have this butt front I could wear a size 10!  I have 50 lbs of skin and fat on my belly..small clothes dont fit that! So when we are dancing and I say smack that ass....I mean the one on the front (b)

Pull the friggin triggers...

I got 99 problems and food triggers are 97 of them..my daughter is getting married in a week...just bought a new house..im moving..december has fleas..and errands errands errands..where are the cookies damnitt!! When driving around town ..bank..post office..store..fill up boxes..empty boxes..I had my to do list and stopped to get gas and the overwhelming craving for poison hit me and I realized that not only stress but even just a normal day with lots of things to do was a trigger for me from the wild wild west and I was losing the stand off. So I turned my little bug down a side road..ran in publix and got myself some organic cashews n mozzarella stix. A small handfull of shews n one stick kept my hands and mind busy till I got back home for lunch. Being unprepared is an easy way to put some pounds on that fat ass and make you give up..this shit is hard! Yes I have an apple in my purse sir what of it?? Yes thats a boiled egg in my back pocket lady and mind your own business!

Hope is a chocolate covered turd

Hope..you hope that your cured..you hope that youve concurred the bullshit demons of overeating..then one nite after stress comes to visit (the bitch) you go to walmart at 2am and you buy more than toothpaste and gel for your willie wonka hair.  I ate cheetoes. .I puked cheetoes. End of story. Fuck! Hope is just a chocolate covered turd. Its all bullshit in The End. try not to drown 

Hale to the V..

Do you know how you know your losing weight??? The first thing is when you put on your new pants and the seat of them are baggin like your Justin Bieber in his diaper pants. I found myself stickin out my bubble guts to keep my pants up which is usually right the opposite of what I do with them all day. The real way to know for sure?? The most exciting event of my week?? I could see the V when I got in my tanning bed!!! Hale to the V I say! My stomach has been so huge for so long just putting a cute shirt over it has been my fastest solution...but not any more.... I can see ..I can see..hale to my V!! Makes not piggin out worth the vagina victory! Next goal... find a way to tighten up this skin on the back of my neck..my back neck was fat..who knew :/

Neverending Land...

This is an uphill..neverending..torturous..battle. im never gonna be normal im always gonna be just a little bit fat. Emotional eaters will always have emotions. What the hell is bothering me? I dont know whats eating me but I sure know what im eating. This is total bullshit. Popcorn would be a fantastic way to mindlessly ignore the world but it seems to be made of poison just like everything else that taste good. . So I suffer for two days till I eat three oatmeal bars like a rat left at a carnival smorgasbord. Weeks of being a grownup shot to hell in a four minute downfall. If I would have just ate a tiny bag of m&ms like I needed this would not have happen. I still dont know how to deal with whats in the back of my mind without food. And ive noticed as I lose weight im still not comfortable in my body. I will never see myself thin but I can go to neverthin neverending land and dream of a candy mountain where I wear a running hat and a tutu with starving to death just around the corner.( Hello thin...where have you been i have been waiting and waiting for you...)Happiness is knowing where ever you live you can always move and wherever your mind is you can always change it ..if only for a little minute :)

Cookie Monster

You get thru the days with the willpower you need ..you dont overload on food but you feel that belly hurt that tugs at you all day. Your proud of yourself because you havent numbed troubles with treats or chocolate youve actually felt life and its woos. Just have one.then stop. Just have a small bite.then throw the rest away. If I could control how much I eat I wouldnt be a fat ass. I wouldnt have this addiction.  I would be 'normal'. I would love without fear. I would question nothing and enjoy everything.  After three days of stress .hurt .worry and migraines (small ones)... it hits me.. an animal that lives in me rears its bitchy head. Food will stop whatever emotion I cant control.  Publix has a wonderful medicine counter. 'Can I help you..she says..yes I say..I NEED THAT M&M COOKIE FOR MY NEPHEW!!!!!  LMAO... MY JOSH IS 25 YEARS OLD AND LIVES 50 MILES AWAY FROM ME... I NEED THERAPY JUST TO REMOVE THE SHAME.. I threw the cookie out the window..I littered on my beautiful lake. Shit...

Drivin ms daisy..

Jack Nicholson is the most unattractive grossness ever. Beyonce or Bon jovi cant sing. Kristian Stewart cant act. Me..well I cant get in a car with a box of little debbie treats. I can drive a stick shift. I can decorate a wood shed like a palace. I can run for 15 whole minutes without falling down. But I cant drive past Sweet Frog without wanting to eat a cup of every sweet flavor they have in one sitting. I envy people who get up every day and never think twice about what they will eat. Or put on a tshirt only to enjoy Thor on the front of it instead of whether it covers the blubber ass following behind them. I have no answer for why I am like I am. So im getting in my car and driving down to the piggly wiggly to get me some green beans...some  Bad Medicine as Bon Jovi would wail... :/  shit...

When all else fails..

Ive tried every diet known to women.. every pill .herbs .cabbage.magic fat melting mircle..water water water..starved. sometimes it works.. sometimes you gain.. sometimes you cry like a bitch in an empty cheetoes bag. if I lose a few pounds trust me its muscle or water weight.. When it fails ..because I give up after a few weeks ..it makes me feel like I have no hope and no self control..but let me just say if you have ever been on a diet for more than 4 and a half minutes you have self control. You just have to get past the next 4 and a half minutes..then the next..then the next. Your supposed to love your body at all stages of the journey well thats just bullshit. A big ole ass with dimples or floppy tits without dimples its all bullshit. Hang a tshirt on it and hope you dont have to pull it down over your big fat bubble guts all day. It took 45 years but finally the plan that works...wait for it..wait for it.. THE STOP EAT SHIT DIET! I had to just stop it. I still have body issues but my body doesnt hate me anymore I put stuff in it that helps it not the crap that rips it apart because it cant process shit. When I give in to cravings..or lets just say it..when I fuck up! My body gets sick and it takes at least 2 days of loving myself to feel better. Whether its the puke the diarrhea the constipation..or the dreaded headache its all part of the punishment and I WILL NEVER LEARN. But when all else fails I start over..every 4 and a half minutes

Square britches...

Yesterday was awesome.. me n k'lee apple spent the day planning and wedding shopping. Our little girl getting married?? Wow. I could go on and on about that but since this is a weight loss blog I'll move on... she spent most of the day pulling me out of the plus size clothing departments. Those little rooms that have 4 racks of big girl moo moos that are only in a handful of stores. Mom you have the entire rest of the store to shop in now..GO!! So I find mother of the bride dresses and for some reason I bring home the worst choice.. I look like a taffeta square. .and I make this choice because it covers up my jiggly bugs bunny arms. K'Lee said..whats under it? cause I know your hips are not that big anymore. Heather said..NO.. So back to the store I go today to exchange it for the one that gave me torpedo tits! Should have let klee apple pick to start with ...

Shake it like a Polaroid picture

Panic... I put on my pants and notice my bubble guts are hanging over my belt..oh hell no!! So I cheated ..fuck.. got up on a beautiful sunday morning and me n jiggly bits go for a run..my husband says lets ride up to the smokies.. lets do it I say. Off we go and of course EATING AT JOES is the greatest thing on the planet. Two hush puppies one cocunut shrimp and half a crab cake later im crackin! Its awesome. Then the hot n fresh sign is blinkin at krispycreme and standing in that line is like standing at the pearly gates. The basterds were sold out of banana creme but that was the best hot doughnut I have ever ate..cept for the second hot doughnut it was even better. I feel no guilt..I have no regrets but I am in a panic. Fat will creep up on you fast ya know. I must have not been in too much of a way.. after the puke I buy yogurt covered blueberries and eat almost all of them. :/  nope ..no regrets. Im home alone and I put on my loudest snoopy dancin music and im shakin it like a Polaroid until the fat falls off or hurts whichever is first.

Pump up the jam..& peanut butter

So ive been running my tits off for about 8 months now and I still hate its guts but love its guts too..theres a fine line there ya know..and my new plan is to firm up what jiggles when I run and fall down. My arms are finally tiny..er.. I used to have arms like Popeye and it looks like I have on a lace poncho I have so much skin hangin so its time to pump it up and get some guns! I think I should work my tush too it needs a twerky lift. I was told by someone who works out everyday to start with a jump rope.... *:€   u have got to be fuckin kiddin me friend. I rolled for ten minutes over this rubber thingy and now have a concussion with a broke spleen. Ive also been having dizzy spells I feel all weird and shit..could be malnutrition or low blood pressure not sure... but what I am sure of is that im drowning from drinking 75000 gallons of water a day ..tired from having to pee every 4 1/2 minutes and I need mouth to mouth from Salma Hayek or Eward....maybe they will bring me a nice juice box and peanut butter n jelly sandwich. Lose the pipe dream and heading back to the gym tonite and this time im just gonna lift up stuff... like a lady n shit

Sticks can hurt you..

My weekend workouts consist of dah do run run and the killing of the biggest tarantula spiders ever! I beat the shit outta them with my running shoe and my bugs bunny arms are reaping the benifit :) I wonder if they are coming from the lake because the germaphobe side of me wants to burn something down eekkkk!!! On another note I go buy some aspargus tips and because every school aged snotty kid is in Publix on tax free weekend I run in and out quickly. I opened the bag and it says tips n stems...STEMS are sticks. Green sticks. Did u know this ?? I think one jammed into my nose hole while I chewed. Then I look at the organic yogurt covered berries label that ive been treating myself to and 21 grams of poison have been going straight to my big fat bubble guts. Shit! Gained 247lbs this weekend..such bullshit! Now if I could talk Adell into marrying me so she could read and sing to me at nite with that sweet sultry voice of hers.. life would be complete.

W- stands for wide load

A Well ending to' being pissy' week... I have been eating like a bear storing up for winter on nuts berries cheese (do bears eat cheese?) and anything else that fits in my clinched fist. The stress that has been flowing thru my body has ended on my belly and my bootie is saggin but the belly is stickin!! But!!...butt I say...I go in the store and dont buy oreos like I wanted I walk away and go straight to this ugly skirt... xl..too big..l..too big.. M!!!! I FIT A SIZE FREAKIN  M!!!!!! never have I ever !!! so I buy the ugly thing just because its medium and guess what...im wearing the damn thing and I'm happy about it. Got some M overalls too and im letting my bugs bunny arms dangle in the wind while I wear them...proudly...stomach be damned :) my normal size W for wide load has turned upside down and M will be my crown! Thinking of wearing a cape too.. size M :) and F ..for fuck yea im wearing an M !

Run of shame..

The only bloggin that needs to be posted today is that I ran twice (thanks Char for the advice) because my nerves are shot.. because of hatred that fills my brain for a women that im trying to understand why she is a poisonous bitch seed...I wanted to understand why her personality is so negative..maybe someone hurt her in her life. ...Well im sorry I had a fucked up childhood and we all have problems but that gives NOONE the right be a dick douche..and I bought Lindsey some Yum Yums and I ate them all. ..Two boxes!!!!... shit

Just one of the before pix @ 210lbs

I cant believe i carried this around and this is not my heaviest but look at that man candy behind me..woot woot !! But most importantly look at that crap in my arms. Thats all I ever ate..junk and poison.  

Fed the fuck up

If anyone who knows me is reading this they know I am the nicest person on the planet and it takes alot to make me mad. If I dont like you there is really something wrong with you. Im not the kind of person who would mistreat anyone or deliberately hurt you (unless u hurt my kid) so I find myself dealing with a couple of situations that im not sure how to handle because before if someone upset me I would eat. Not a meal that I would get second helpings..eat.. like a cartoon dog eating hotdogs out of a ditch. All would be well because I would be too sick to be upset and rainbows and sunshine would radiate from my butt. My love for fun and laughter seem to be a railroad for confrontional people... Always negitive miserable gutted assholes who talk down to everyone around them..I dont want that atmosphere in my life. YOU HAVE A PERSONALITY DISORDER MAM' ... but I smile and answer when I need to then I go grab a handful of yogurt covered berries and eat till I want to puke. There has to be a better way..but what is it..how do I deal with people who are dick douches or someone who hurts me and then trys to blaim me for it. I call you out on your bullshit and somehow I'm the bad guy???? I dont want to become hateful and I sure dont want to be fat so I dont have any solutions. I do know that you think your life is going sweet and all is well then BAM something happens that changes you..like a train hitting you from behind and your left with???... something different. My friend Lindsey says its life that hits you...I said..well life sucks!  Life doesnt suck..its good but some people suck. Too bad I cant eat them :/

Never let em see ya sweat

I never sweat.. I am the only fat girl in the history of the world that wears a sweater in the summer. Winter time hurts my body and I am never warm except under my heat blanket. But today..for some reason on this beautiful sunday morning..im running along the riverbank wishing it would rain on me or thinking I may jump off the dock right into the cool crisp water. Theres sweat runnin down my ass crack and my socks are wet! What is this stinky substance??? Im turning around.. im not happy about this. :/ Yesterday was a good day..I got to see my bff Heather for a while. It feels like we live 100 miles apart now but its only a thirty minute drive. I miss our all day hangouts. A few years ago it would have been an 'eat all day hangout. Starbucks and sonic hamburgers for breakfast. .yes I ate those for breakfast!  Mexico.. (Mexican restaurant) for lunch..{SIDEBAR- after lunch at mexico one day me heather and her sister went to the store to get a few things..as we are standing in line we keep smelling the worst body odor ever! We were making faces about the people in front of us and commenting on how bad they smelled. We almost got in another line. Then heathers neice walks up and says..Guys you smell like the mexican restaurant You STINK!!! it was us the whole time!}
I would eat snacks and candy all day long then cook like Rachel Ray when I got home all while snackin to taste test. But I was proud of us.. yesterday we talked laughed and caught up on life ..drove around in the sunshine all without stuffing our mouths with crap. I did have an apple in my purse just in case I got weak lol Social situations are the hardest because lunch or a movie or dinner is full of the worst food prospects.  Popcorn.. twizzlers..mac n cheese its all poison and I dont even taste it half the time cause im being with my friends..so instead I was just with my friend♡ My other friend Charlotte invited me for a healthy lunch next week sometime... which will also be lots of awesome catching up. ..But just like a cowboy and his guns..I will pack my apple.. :0

Bra'lett

What is a bra'lett anyway?? Im not wearing that..it sounds tiny and I have nothing tiny...my appetite is not tiny thats for sure. It was a good morning..ran like forrest gump then had my boiled egg n coffee and headed out with an apple in my purse in case I got 'eat my arm hungry. I was going shopping for yogu pants that dont look like I have a goober (wangin the dong pants) and as I'm driving home my car pulls into the store. Im sitting in my car like im stalkin the joint for robbery.  Dont chu do it! Dont chu freakin do it! But I did it. I rush in and go straight for the Starbucks moch and a dark chocolate dove bar. Im not thinking about it cause if I force myself to think about what im doing I wont get to eat it. Fuck that I want to eat it! You want the truth?? It tasted like shit..really.. I have it down my throat by the time I get home and its back up like exorcist and in the bushes. I failed..I fucked up.. im not in control.. I gained 482lbs ..I feel like  a loser..and not a weight loser. So the best part is I get to start over. Tomorrow I get to try again. Make different choices. And when my bitch of a car tries to pull into a store I will choose to run over a cute bunny or stray dog instead. Problem solved :/

Note to self...

Even when I think I want to eat an entire dark chocolate bar at one siting..I dont really want to. I dont take the time to taste it and if I do take the time its really not that great tasting at the end. My calorie count does not begin when I sit down with my plate. My calorie count begins when im cooking and choping and grabbing a handful of cashews or licking the spoon of yogurt. And most importantly.. get up and move my big fat ass everyday. Even the day after I go cheat and eat sweet frog with my family and feel like ive been poisoned with rat killer....

Girt it up girl!!

155LBS AND TODAY I PUT A BELT ON MY BRITCHES!!! HELL YEA :0 WOOTY WOOT! I have not ever ...ever ..did I say ever?? Tucked in my shirt and put on a freakin belt. AND I might add i did not look like humpty dumpty. The only thing I have tucked in lately have been my boobs in my pants so they dont hit the ground when I run. Speaking of running.. it was raining like crazy and I got a little excited because its the perfect excuse to not put on my WHATEVER hat and sit on my lazy hinney but I went.. I went in the rain and I didnt die. Like My favorite reminder sticky note says... YOUR FAT..GO RUN! Im working alone today and thats one of my triggers to pig out so Lindsey locked up the extra treats and John hid the tootsie rolls so only strawberries and cucumbers for me. How sad that im so out of control that if its there I know I will eat it..not just some of it but  All of it. :/   oh well baby steps and in the meantime I celebrate the victory. . Tuck n belt bitches tuck n belt!

Counting...

I count the caleries..I count the minutes I run..I count the days I have left till I can have dairy again.. I count the hairs in my tub because its falling out like a cowardly little bitch..where do u think your going I scream! Your not fat! your not what is leaving this body!! Bullshit!! Just a small tiny problem sends me into a fit. Our wifi hasnt been working right for a week and the process of resetting it or calling customer care is more than I can take. I WANT TO EAT! so instead of opening every food in the kitchen and shoveling it down my pie hole..I go to bed and read..back to calm who needs wifi anyway its just a way to look at all the cupcakes I cant have. Everything I eat that is poison goes straight to my fat reserve because my body seems to always work against me to keep from starving. Then when i do the right thing it throws away my muscle first not the fat..What a fucked up design why cant it know that I just dream of an unfloppy ass?? Stupid body! :/
Now im counting the minutes till sleep..cant eat while sleeping but if it could be done I would have found a way :)

Big fat bubble guts

My bubble guts are back..belly fat appears from a dark scary place noone knows about..your going along with your starving life ..happy ..thinking your making all the healthy choices grown ups make and BAM ! Your rolly polly guts are flappin in the wind and runnin up that hill becomes a bad idea. Good thing I  got me these new headphones so I cant hear the sound :/~  so I decided that I would limit dairy for a while n feast up on protein n veggies. It was Saturday and we all know Saturdays are for pajama wearing and cartoon watching but im at work and what a great idea I have..Lets order pizza!!!! My friend Lindsey at work eats very well and has a naturally thin frame..she is so good at keeping me in check with my crazy cravings..NO Kimmie you are not ordering lava cakes you know that shit will make you sick! She saved me from a 'puke' and a pound. Well I did puke the pizza but no chocolate lava puke. She also keeps the tootsie rolls that lay so sweet and beautifully in our candy dish under lock n key. I had access to the bag of treats last week and I ate the entire bag of baby candy bars..  ohhh thats where the bubble gut came from!!!  After I put them in the dish I will not eat them because of the germs  but the bag is fair game so Im thankful for her..shes kinda like my sponsor for Candyholics Anonymous. .thanks friend. Getting on the scale feels good as it rolls slowly to 156lbs.. the buttons on my new pants will not poke my bubble gut today :) yaahh snoopy dancin all day♡

I see me..

Theres was never a time growing up that my life was not kaos. I was always nervous and always wanting everyone around me happy. If everyone is happy and noone is upset I could go along with my day..but...there was not very many days that I could say were 'calm'. I have always been a chipmunk..awake at the buttcrack of dawn. You spend alot of time alone when you wake up early. So tiptoeing around the house and not waking anyone became a challenge.  Cereal...cartoons..and a bologna sandwich mashed flat with old popcorn was my morning 'calm'. Looking back I realize my mom was a ticking time bomb. I never knew what would set her off but nine times out of ten it was something I did and at any moment I was getting my ass beat. Im not talking about a spanking..im talking about a face slapping shoe hitting arm twisting verbal cussing ass beating. she hated me. She sat at the table one day and took a ping pong paddle and drilled a hole in the middle ..then began to draw the meanest looking face on it all while planning my death. Ouch that one hurt.. I had learned through the years that if I laughed and made all the people around me happy then I would be happy and food was a way to not think about what could go wrong. That comfort kept me 'fat as a hog' as my grandmother would call me but my fat became my armor as well. Mom would have a hard time keeping hold of me.. twisting my fat arm around to get to my fat ass and fat legs..as I ran around in a circle she would scream out every single thing about me that pissed her off that day. She called it her little black book..should have been called my big red ass. After the hitting screaming and crying was over I would hide in the bathroom which had the only door that locked then go straight for the food. What ever I could find to stuff down my throat would go hand to mouth so fast I couldnt taste it. Mom always bought a shit-ton of groceries and when she brought them home I would put them all up in straight rows..all the chili..all the beans..all the boxes of mac n cheese would be faced forward and even..still do that to this day..its so pretty. So with all this baggage and I dont mean my fat ass..not eating my nervousness away sucks a big dick. I cant make everyone happy and I dont plan to try anymore. Make your own shitty self happy and if you cant.. go jump off a bridge. Your happiness is not my responsibility!  So if things get uncomfortable or you cause kaos well then that will be your problem. I choose to be happy and if something is bothering me im going to ignore it instead of eating it. Being happy is being healthy and I choose happy...

Withdraw...

After a week of frenzy feeding my big fat mouth with chocolate and cake and sweets today is the day of reckoning... the downward spiral of a 7 day sugar high..it feels like the endless tunnel that they fell down in Land of The Lost..or the rabbit hole Alice rolled down.. cept im not eating that little cake that makes her tiny (thats just a lie..I'd eat it) I have a pounding headache and im sweaty ( I never ever sweat..ever) I want ..no I need sweets! I keep dropping things and I might be a little mean. I hate everything! I hear this sound coming from my big fat bubble guts. Im so hungry. Today has been my apple cheese stix and nut day. I cant tell you how hard this is. I cant wait till 9pm so I can go to bed ..settle down with a good book and wake up tomorrow without withdraws.

Candy..my 1st love

My first good memories are of sweet beautiful candy. My uncle Bill filling up a little brown paper bag every time I would visit his store. The colors..the shapes the smells.:)  My mom would announce she had to run to the store and I would be in the car before she could get her keys. She would begin by threatening to beat my ass if I so much as looked at the candy when we got there and we would get into the car where she would drive 75 miles per hour to the very next street where the store was. My car door opened and I was out of the car before she could get the brakes on and I was on bended knee at the candy counter picking what I needed faster than any fat kid on the planet. I had tried every kind..given it a score from 1-10. Little tiny chocolates in the shape of footballs being my favorite most days but not wanting to make all the other candy jealous, variety was my best option. Mom would come over..grab me by the back of the neck..drag me to the counter where she made me sit till she checked out. The man who owned the store feeling sorry for me for getting my ass beat in the store would sneak me a 10 piece bag for the road. Looking back I bet he hated seeing us coming because not a day went by that she did not scream hit kick cuss n drag me all the way to the car like the horrible mean bitch was,  but it was all worth it. Those 10 little pieces of sweet sugar love was my prize and oh how I enjoyed them....it's true..you never forget that first love

Fatty fatty binge

Im still at 158lbs but for some reason if I dont have some chocolate today I will hurt someone. My mind doesnt care about anything else. Food water air..nothing..just chocolate.  I dont want to talk sleep listen to the breeze on the balcony. .as a matter of fact it can shut the fuck up im going to get a dove bar and im going to eat it all one square at a time till I puke. What a nice plan..and noone has to die :)

Normal kimmie

I woke today and I weigh 158lbs! I have not seen the 50s since before apple was born. I have noone to tell that gives a shit but im so glad for my blog. Blogging keeps the hardest times and the greatest times thru this journey be less lonely. I wish for a big white tshirt that post 158 on it..maybe with a little glitter.. my celebration would be cake but not this time and not till my bday...8days away. I can starve for a few more days. Im finally feeling a little normal today after a migraine train hit me but I think my mouth words are back. Today I celebrate. alone....158lbs. Yah me

The light at the end of my tunnel is a MIGRAINE

I have not seen those damn lights in 7 months..the longest span of time without a migraine in my 45 years of being alive. When I stopped eating the poison crap I was gorging on, the headaches stopped. Now let me explain that what my family calls migraines are really migraines..not a headache where people actually function and say oh I had a migraine this morning..these damn things are like a stroke! Im going about my normal day..not a warning until my vision is off. I blink like a frog in a hail storm hoping its not so, but then the lights..the strobe lights.. start blinking in the shape of a lightening bolt..i know its here..well fuck!!..where am I and how close are my shots??. I have to knock myself out and get in the dark before the pain hits...oh god the pain. Then my mouth my hands and sometimes my whole arm get numb..I know my name but I couldnt tell you what it is.. all that comes out is..lights..theres lights in my eyes! Panic sets in and I hope im asleep before it gets worse. I  hunt my meds and the frozen juice box in the freezer or the heating pad. A knife stabs the side of my head with a seven month vengeance and I pray for death. Not one time in my life has prayer worked..the pain does not stop until it wants to and im what me and my sister call "crazy" for about three days. I continue to drop things and if I sneeze or throw up it feels like a bullet just blew my brains out and im crying like a little girl. Then for a week im afraid to look at the beautiful sun which I love love love, because im terrified the lights will come back. A normal women could not suffer through this..what doesnt kill us makes us stronger?? Bullshit!!! well sometimes it should kill us. Im going back to bed.

Scales are the devil

I laid my head on the pillow..tired from the days shenanigans. .ears bleeding from listening to the lives of others and I think I have accomplished a good day of healthy choses. WRONG! I get on the scales at the butt crack of dawn ..cause it has been said you weigh less in the early morning.. and that little line has moved..the wrong way. :(.. would crying help lose two pounds cause thats how much my tears would weigh if I ever let myself actually cry this out. Emotions take over and I cry all over my bitter coffee and stupid strawberries. Tastes like shit. Oh happy day..I need pancakes

The lickie list and a really big spoon

CAKE. KRISPY CREMES. COOKIES. CHOCOLATE ICECREAM. M&M BLAST...A REALLY REALLY BIG SPOON. THIS IS ALL I NEED ..FOR BREAKFAST. Food addiction is the hardest to overcome because I have  to eat everyday and for some damn reason I dont want a stupid piece of grilled chicken :/ and for the love of god why does broccoli taste like a vile weed without that buttery cheese laying so beautifully over top of it. Candy seems to be my personality fuel so now im just pissy. Not much to say today my list of things I need is all I need ... fuck 

Wearin my skin like a bad dress

Im looking at myself in the mirror and all my clothes are huge on me. This is not a bad thing..what is bad is that im not wearing a dress.. thats my skin!! My boobs are hanging down to my waist..they look like two icing bags with corn nipplets at the end..my neck looks like a vagina and dont get me started on that body part cause I cant find it. So today my husband ..after looking at my size 14 body wear around size 20 clothes.. gives me clothes money and hints nicely that I could look better in this body im starving for. So off I go and I cant get myself to get out of the baggy old lady clothes department.  It seems easy now to buy big dresses or wide shirts to cover up my huge belly and tits that bounce to my chin and so hard to find something "normal" to wear. I still have alot of inches to go so I dont want to buy too much..maybe just a bra that doesnt lay on my chest while my boobies hang so nicely underneath its wires..1st stop ...titty holders

Piranha!

Ouchy.. I gained 12 1/2 pounds in 2 days..it can only be one thing..MOTHER NATURE. she is a shitty bitch. It feels as though my insides are filled with piranha and they are chewing on my guts. So no there will be no running today even if I feel like the hulk because the 'anger wall of pain' is controlling my actions I chose to drink coffee and eat strawberries on my balcony. Stuart n Anne ..my ducks that I say are mine, swim around and conversate about how they need a better breakfast make me realize how good life really is and how wonderful strawberries smell and how they taste like bitter shit. Only one outta 10 is actually rotten enough to not make your ass pucker.. but I will continue to eat them because blueberries taste even worse. I hope everyones day is snoopy dancin fun! Dear Mother Nature..I hate your guts..Love Kimmie

saddle wagon

:0...  is every damn commercial   on tv not about food?? Maybe some car insurance ..which I cant eat ..but definitely about food. And have you looked at whats in our food even before we take it home and cook it? They add hormones to "chicken-little" we all know that but did you know its injected with broth and seasonings and probably crack at some point for " flavor ". And lets not forget the poison they add so our food can stay " fresh " on our shelves  for 2 years in case of a zombie apocalypse.  I dont know about you but if I buy some pasta.. that shit will be eatin before the week is out.. along with that loaded up muscle chicken. Oh and that beautiful salad I made ..can wilt in my matching bowl beside that gross watery disgusting glass of water I set out to look pretty. They say our makeup is water water water.. well im not sure who they are measuring but my makeup is fat and I am forcing down a half gallon a day of this "life water" and it feels like punishment..like medicine that will save me :/ ..bullshit!!! a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down..just ask Mary Poppins. Now that lady was smart!   So one step today..then another..then a couple more..till I run run run..and as my ass cheeks bounce off the back of my knees I will sing..watch the ducks..and drink my crappy bottle of water....fuck me

Da do runrunrun da do run run

Run run run....omg this is alot of fat to carry around! Pant pant pant... fall down. Walk walk walk..run ..ok I can do this and not die! I am grateful for the ducks I get to stop and watch them and catch my breath. Run run run..pit bull, savage, and gaga blasting in my ears...my 42 long boobs are swingin in the wind..my knees may be a little sore tomorrow from one boob at a time slappin them but I dont show them much. New game: boob pong while running..awesome :)           When I get home after that first run I feel like I did the right thing. I had already decided to stop eating shit, its january 2014 my migraines are taking over my life and my dad had a heartattack back in November. My thoughts were ..if he walks everyday eats pretty good and can still almost die..im in trouble. On a daily basis what goes in my mouth is ridiculous! Cereal (cardboard and sugar) milk, doughnuts, baby cokes (6 a day) candy candy candy and cake. A twizzlers was permanently attached to my hand. Mexican (mexico for lunch is what I call it) vanilla coffee drinks that I call MOCHAS was attached to the other hand. Im snoopy dancin friend I think life is good :0                          So I look at myself after seein a picture from a midnight movie date to see THOR 2 with k'lee apple HOW IN THE FUCK DO I NOT KNOW HOW FAT I AM!! expensive clothes do not cover this up!! Talk about floating down a bullshit river!  So I text my bestfriend... Lets take pictures of our bodies that only we can see, weigh,  then measure ourselves. Lets finally do this and stop pissin n moanin. Reality throws me onto the bank and out of the bullshit river. Im fat..not chuncky. Not overweight.  FAT FAT FAT. this is not cute friends. Not cute. :/ so everyday I'm gonna move this tub of lard and stop sitting in front of the tv with all my feelings and everyones problems on my plate.(which fits on my belly like a tv tray)hey bitch.. YOUR FAT..GO RUN!! and thats just what I did..run

Dog paddle

Drowning..thats what I'm doing. I am drowning in all the bullshit that passes through my day. Me? I'm smiling while eating shit with a fork. I am fat..was born fat and since I have recently decided to not die from fatness.. IM STARVING!! My worst fear is that now that I cant eat my feelings I have to think about them and possibly deal with them. How?? Beats the hell outta me since I'm always the girl with sunshine and rainbows shooting out her ass for everyone else. When it comes down to the wire..cake...candy or whatever I really dont have friends that ask how i am .... so since I have noone to tell how I'm feeling lets blog this shit :) not drowning alone feels like fun!  Woot woot!!