Run of shame..

The only bloggin that needs to be posted today is that I ran twice (thanks Char for the advice) because my nerves are shot.. because of hatred that fills my brain for a women that im trying to understand why she is a poisonous bitch seed...I wanted to understand why her personality is so negative..maybe someone hurt her in her life. ...Well im sorry I had a fucked up childhood and we all have problems but that gives NOONE the right be a dick douche..and I bought Lindsey some Yum Yums and I ate them all. ..Two boxes!!!!... shit

Just one of the before pix @ 210lbs

I cant believe i carried this around and this is not my heaviest but look at that man candy behind me..woot woot !! But most importantly look at that crap in my arms. Thats all I ever ate..junk and poison.  

Fed the fuck up

If anyone who knows me is reading this they know I am the nicest person on the planet and it takes alot to make me mad. If I dont like you there is really something wrong with you. Im not the kind of person who would mistreat anyone or deliberately hurt you (unless u hurt my kid) so I find myself dealing with a couple of situations that im not sure how to handle because before if someone upset me I would eat. Not a meal that I would get second helpings..eat.. like a cartoon dog eating hotdogs out of a ditch. All would be well because I would be too sick to be upset and rainbows and sunshine would radiate from my butt. My love for fun and laughter seem to be a railroad for confrontional people... Always negitive miserable gutted assholes who talk down to everyone around them..I dont want that atmosphere in my life. YOU HAVE A PERSONALITY DISORDER MAM' ... but I smile and answer when I need to then I go grab a handful of yogurt covered berries and eat till I want to puke. There has to be a better way..but what is it..how do I deal with people who are dick douches or someone who hurts me and then trys to blaim me for it. I call you out on your bullshit and somehow I'm the bad guy???? I dont want to become hateful and I sure dont want to be fat so I dont have any solutions. I do know that you think your life is going sweet and all is well then BAM something happens that changes you..like a train hitting you from behind and your left with???... something different. My friend Lindsey says its life that hits you...I said..well life sucks!  Life doesnt suck..its good but some people suck. Too bad I cant eat them :/

Never let em see ya sweat

I never sweat.. I am the only fat girl in the history of the world that wears a sweater in the summer. Winter time hurts my body and I am never warm except under my heat blanket. But today..for some reason on this beautiful sunday morning..im running along the riverbank wishing it would rain on me or thinking I may jump off the dock right into the cool crisp water. Theres sweat runnin down my ass crack and my socks are wet! What is this stinky substance??? Im turning around.. im not happy about this. :/ Yesterday was a good day..I got to see my bff Heather for a while. It feels like we live 100 miles apart now but its only a thirty minute drive. I miss our all day hangouts. A few years ago it would have been an 'eat all day hangout. Starbucks and sonic hamburgers for breakfast. .yes I ate those for breakfast!  Mexico.. (Mexican restaurant) for lunch..{SIDEBAR- after lunch at mexico one day me heather and her sister went to the store to get a few things..as we are standing in line we keep smelling the worst body odor ever! We were making faces about the people in front of us and commenting on how bad they smelled. We almost got in another line. Then heathers neice walks up and says..Guys you smell like the mexican restaurant You STINK!!! it was us the whole time!}
I would eat snacks and candy all day long then cook like Rachel Ray when I got home all while snackin to taste test. But I was proud of us.. yesterday we talked laughed and caught up on life ..drove around in the sunshine all without stuffing our mouths with crap. I did have an apple in my purse just in case I got weak lol Social situations are the hardest because lunch or a movie or dinner is full of the worst food prospects.  Popcorn.. twizzlers..mac n cheese its all poison and I dont even taste it half the time cause im being with my friends..so instead I was just with my friend♡ My other friend Charlotte invited me for a healthy lunch next week sometime... which will also be lots of awesome catching up. ..But just like a cowboy and his guns..I will pack my apple.. :0

Bra'lett

What is a bra'lett anyway?? Im not wearing that..it sounds tiny and I have nothing tiny...my appetite is not tiny thats for sure. It was a good morning..ran like forrest gump then had my boiled egg n coffee and headed out with an apple in my purse in case I got 'eat my arm hungry. I was going shopping for yogu pants that dont look like I have a goober (wangin the dong pants) and as I'm driving home my car pulls into the store. Im sitting in my car like im stalkin the joint for robbery.  Dont chu do it! Dont chu freakin do it! But I did it. I rush in and go straight for the Starbucks moch and a dark chocolate dove bar. Im not thinking about it cause if I force myself to think about what im doing I wont get to eat it. Fuck that I want to eat it! You want the truth?? It tasted like shit..really.. I have it down my throat by the time I get home and its back up like exorcist and in the bushes. I failed..I fucked up.. im not in control.. I gained 482lbs ..I feel like  a loser..and not a weight loser. So the best part is I get to start over. Tomorrow I get to try again. Make different choices. And when my bitch of a car tries to pull into a store I will choose to run over a cute bunny or stray dog instead. Problem solved :/

Note to self...

Even when I think I want to eat an entire dark chocolate bar at one siting..I dont really want to. I dont take the time to taste it and if I do take the time its really not that great tasting at the end. My calorie count does not begin when I sit down with my plate. My calorie count begins when im cooking and choping and grabbing a handful of cashews or licking the spoon of yogurt. And most importantly.. get up and move my big fat ass everyday. Even the day after I go cheat and eat sweet frog with my family and feel like ive been poisoned with rat killer....

Girt it up girl!!

155LBS AND TODAY I PUT A BELT ON MY BRITCHES!!! HELL YEA :0 WOOTY WOOT! I have not ever ...ever ..did I say ever?? Tucked in my shirt and put on a freakin belt. AND I might add i did not look like humpty dumpty. The only thing I have tucked in lately have been my boobs in my pants so they dont hit the ground when I run. Speaking of running.. it was raining like crazy and I got a little excited because its the perfect excuse to not put on my WHATEVER hat and sit on my lazy hinney but I went.. I went in the rain and I didnt die. Like My favorite reminder sticky note says... YOUR FAT..GO RUN! Im working alone today and thats one of my triggers to pig out so Lindsey locked up the extra treats and John hid the tootsie rolls so only strawberries and cucumbers for me. How sad that im so out of control that if its there I know I will eat it..not just some of it but  All of it. :/   oh well baby steps and in the meantime I celebrate the victory. . Tuck n belt bitches tuck n belt!

Counting...

I count the caleries..I count the minutes I run..I count the days I have left till I can have dairy again.. I count the hairs in my tub because its falling out like a cowardly little bitch..where do u think your going I scream! Your not fat! your not what is leaving this body!! Bullshit!! Just a small tiny problem sends me into a fit. Our wifi hasnt been working right for a week and the process of resetting it or calling customer care is more than I can take. I WANT TO EAT! so instead of opening every food in the kitchen and shoveling it down my pie hole..I go to bed and read..back to calm who needs wifi anyway its just a way to look at all the cupcakes I cant have. Everything I eat that is poison goes straight to my fat reserve because my body seems to always work against me to keep from starving. Then when i do the right thing it throws away my muscle first not the fat..What a fucked up design why cant it know that I just dream of an unfloppy ass?? Stupid body! :/
Now im counting the minutes till sleep..cant eat while sleeping but if it could be done I would have found a way :)

Big fat bubble guts

My bubble guts are back..belly fat appears from a dark scary place noone knows about..your going along with your starving life ..happy ..thinking your making all the healthy choices grown ups make and BAM ! Your rolly polly guts are flappin in the wind and runnin up that hill becomes a bad idea. Good thing I  got me these new headphones so I cant hear the sound :/~  so I decided that I would limit dairy for a while n feast up on protein n veggies. It was Saturday and we all know Saturdays are for pajama wearing and cartoon watching but im at work and what a great idea I have..Lets order pizza!!!! My friend Lindsey at work eats very well and has a naturally thin frame..she is so good at keeping me in check with my crazy cravings..NO Kimmie you are not ordering lava cakes you know that shit will make you sick! She saved me from a 'puke' and a pound. Well I did puke the pizza but no chocolate lava puke. She also keeps the tootsie rolls that lay so sweet and beautifully in our candy dish under lock n key. I had access to the bag of treats last week and I ate the entire bag of baby candy bars..  ohhh thats where the bubble gut came from!!!  After I put them in the dish I will not eat them because of the germs  but the bag is fair game so Im thankful for her..shes kinda like my sponsor for Candyholics Anonymous. .thanks friend. Getting on the scale feels good as it rolls slowly to 156lbs.. the buttons on my new pants will not poke my bubble gut today :) yaahh snoopy dancin all day♡

I see me..

Theres was never a time growing up that my life was not kaos. I was always nervous and always wanting everyone around me happy. If everyone is happy and noone is upset I could go along with my day..but...there was not very many days that I could say were 'calm'. I have always been a chipmunk..awake at the buttcrack of dawn. You spend alot of time alone when you wake up early. So tiptoeing around the house and not waking anyone became a challenge.  Cereal...cartoons..and a bologna sandwich mashed flat with old popcorn was my morning 'calm'. Looking back I realize my mom was a ticking time bomb. I never knew what would set her off but nine times out of ten it was something I did and at any moment I was getting my ass beat. Im not talking about a spanking..im talking about a face slapping shoe hitting arm twisting verbal cussing ass beating. she hated me. She sat at the table one day and took a ping pong paddle and drilled a hole in the middle ..then began to draw the meanest looking face on it all while planning my death. Ouch that one hurt.. I had learned through the years that if I laughed and made all the people around me happy then I would be happy and food was a way to not think about what could go wrong. That comfort kept me 'fat as a hog' as my grandmother would call me but my fat became my armor as well. Mom would have a hard time keeping hold of me.. twisting my fat arm around to get to my fat ass and fat legs..as I ran around in a circle she would scream out every single thing about me that pissed her off that day. She called it her little black book..should have been called my big red ass. After the hitting screaming and crying was over I would hide in the bathroom which had the only door that locked then go straight for the food. What ever I could find to stuff down my throat would go hand to mouth so fast I couldnt taste it. Mom always bought a shit-ton of groceries and when she brought them home I would put them all up in straight rows..all the chili..all the beans..all the boxes of mac n cheese would be faced forward and even..still do that to this day..its so pretty. So with all this baggage and I dont mean my fat ass..not eating my nervousness away sucks a big dick. I cant make everyone happy and I dont plan to try anymore. Make your own shitty self happy and if you cant.. go jump off a bridge. Your happiness is not my responsibility!  So if things get uncomfortable or you cause kaos well then that will be your problem. I choose to be happy and if something is bothering me im going to ignore it instead of eating it. Being happy is being healthy and I choose happy...

Withdraw...

After a week of frenzy feeding my big fat mouth with chocolate and cake and sweets today is the day of reckoning... the downward spiral of a 7 day sugar high..it feels like the endless tunnel that they fell down in Land of The Lost..or the rabbit hole Alice rolled down.. cept im not eating that little cake that makes her tiny (thats just a lie..I'd eat it) I have a pounding headache and im sweaty ( I never ever sweat..ever) I want ..no I need sweets! I keep dropping things and I might be a little mean. I hate everything! I hear this sound coming from my big fat bubble guts. Im so hungry. Today has been my apple cheese stix and nut day. I cant tell you how hard this is. I cant wait till 9pm so I can go to bed ..settle down with a good book and wake up tomorrow without withdraws.

Candy..my 1st love

My first good memories are of sweet beautiful candy. My uncle Bill filling up a little brown paper bag every time I would visit his store. The colors..the shapes the smells.:)  My mom would announce she had to run to the store and I would be in the car before she could get her keys. She would begin by threatening to beat my ass if I so much as looked at the candy when we got there and we would get into the car where she would drive 75 miles per hour to the very next street where the store was. My car door opened and I was out of the car before she could get the brakes on and I was on bended knee at the candy counter picking what I needed faster than any fat kid on the planet. I had tried every kind..given it a score from 1-10. Little tiny chocolates in the shape of footballs being my favorite most days but not wanting to make all the other candy jealous, variety was my best option. Mom would come over..grab me by the back of the neck..drag me to the counter where she made me sit till she checked out. The man who owned the store feeling sorry for me for getting my ass beat in the store would sneak me a 10 piece bag for the road. Looking back I bet he hated seeing us coming because not a day went by that she did not scream hit kick cuss n drag me all the way to the car like the horrible mean bitch was,  but it was all worth it. Those 10 little pieces of sweet sugar love was my prize and oh how I enjoyed them....it's true..you never forget that first love

Fatty fatty binge

Im still at 158lbs but for some reason if I dont have some chocolate today I will hurt someone. My mind doesnt care about anything else. Food water air..nothing..just chocolate.  I dont want to talk sleep listen to the breeze on the balcony. .as a matter of fact it can shut the fuck up im going to get a dove bar and im going to eat it all one square at a time till I puke. What a nice plan..and noone has to die :)

Normal kimmie

I woke today and I weigh 158lbs! I have not seen the 50s since before apple was born. I have noone to tell that gives a shit but im so glad for my blog. Blogging keeps the hardest times and the greatest times thru this journey be less lonely. I wish for a big white tshirt that post 158 on it..maybe with a little glitter.. my celebration would be cake but not this time and not till my bday...8days away. I can starve for a few more days. Im finally feeling a little normal today after a migraine train hit me but I think my mouth words are back. Today I celebrate. alone....158lbs. Yah me