what the fuck! my quest for relief of a headache and a fat ass!

okay its the 13th of August 2019. i weigh 189.0 today. its coming off so slow but worth it even though i am starving to fkn death. not being dramatic or anything but TO FUCKING DEATH..my shirts are too big.. my pants are baggin and i cant be happier about it. i have had about 40 migraines in the past few months and i am just about to lose my damn mind. my vision has been off for a week now.. i see flashes of different colors in the "front porch" of my 3-d eyesight. i have to act normal when my mind makes me feel like im living in a funhouse with stroblights and loud screams from clowns and tiny little gobblings running around me.. i feel like im retarded and should be in a corner rubbing shit in my hair. this struggle with a headache that is nothing like a headache can only be a curse. i cant even complete a full thought and have had to read everything at least twice with my eyes squint up...still blurry. fuck me! it makes me so mad! why cant i just be normal. i have to fight with food, fight with pain, worry my ass off about my kids and hubby. being sick doesnt get easy. i can say that being 51 and with all the problems that seem sure ahead, i still have never been happier. i love my life with my hubby and can say for sure its the greatest life even with the worries. he is pretty fantastic. i think i might be a mutant..noone can take this much pain at once.."super hero headache lady" my teeth feel numb today..how stupid does that sound and noone understands but i will not fall back on eating crap that makes me even sicker. ive been taking my side view pictures in the long mirror at work in the morning and its funny how my pictures look different as i get smaller but how it seems like im getting shorter?? but the reality of my huge fat ass everyday helps keep me in check even though ive finaallly cracked the less than 190 mark. maybe just maybe if my period desides to start ever again i will lose another 10 pounds of lady parts that i dont need anymore. but for now...today..i will be happy with the three pounds i keep going up and down and my life will be unicorns and pixie dust no matter big my ass is.