Counting...

I count the caleries..I count the minutes I run..I count the days I have left till I can have dairy again.. I count the hairs in my tub because its falling out like a cowardly little bitch..where do u think your going I scream! Your not fat! your not what is leaving this body!! Bullshit!! Just a small tiny problem sends me into a fit. Our wifi hasnt been working right for a week and the process of resetting it or calling customer care is more than I can take. I WANT TO EAT! so instead of opening every food in the kitchen and shoveling it down my pie hole..I go to bed and read..back to calm who needs wifi anyway its just a way to look at all the cupcakes I cant have. Everything I eat that is poison goes straight to my fat reserve because my body seems to always work against me to keep from starving. Then when i do the right thing it throws away my muscle first not the fat..What a fucked up design why cant it know that I just dream of an unfloppy ass?? Stupid body! :/
Now im counting the minutes till sleep..cant eat while sleeping but if it could be done I would have found a way :)

Big fat bubble guts

My bubble guts are back..belly fat appears from a dark scary place noone knows about..your going along with your starving life ..happy ..thinking your making all the healthy choices grown ups make and BAM ! Your rolly polly guts are flappin in the wind and runnin up that hill becomes a bad idea. Good thing I  got me these new headphones so I cant hear the sound :/~  so I decided that I would limit dairy for a while n feast up on protein n veggies. It was Saturday and we all know Saturdays are for pajama wearing and cartoon watching but im at work and what a great idea I have..Lets order pizza!!!! My friend Lindsey at work eats very well and has a naturally thin frame..she is so good at keeping me in check with my crazy cravings..NO Kimmie you are not ordering lava cakes you know that shit will make you sick! She saved me from a 'puke' and a pound. Well I did puke the pizza but no chocolate lava puke. She also keeps the tootsie rolls that lay so sweet and beautifully in our candy dish under lock n key. I had access to the bag of treats last week and I ate the entire bag of baby candy bars..  ohhh thats where the bubble gut came from!!!  After I put them in the dish I will not eat them because of the germs  but the bag is fair game so Im thankful for her..shes kinda like my sponsor for Candyholics Anonymous. .thanks friend. Getting on the scale feels good as it rolls slowly to 156lbs.. the buttons on my new pants will not poke my bubble gut today :) yaahh snoopy dancin all day♡

I see me..

Theres was never a time growing up that my life was not kaos. I was always nervous and always wanting everyone around me happy. If everyone is happy and noone is upset I could go along with my day..but...there was not very many days that I could say were 'calm'. I have always been a chipmunk..awake at the buttcrack of dawn. You spend alot of time alone when you wake up early. So tiptoeing around the house and not waking anyone became a challenge.  Cereal...cartoons..and a bologna sandwich mashed flat with old popcorn was my morning 'calm'. Looking back I realize my mom was a ticking time bomb. I never knew what would set her off but nine times out of ten it was something I did and at any moment I was getting my ass beat. Im not talking about a spanking..im talking about a face slapping shoe hitting arm twisting verbal cussing ass beating. she hated me. She sat at the table one day and took a ping pong paddle and drilled a hole in the middle ..then began to draw the meanest looking face on it all while planning my death. Ouch that one hurt.. I had learned through the years that if I laughed and made all the people around me happy then I would be happy and food was a way to not think about what could go wrong. That comfort kept me 'fat as a hog' as my grandmother would call me but my fat became my armor as well. Mom would have a hard time keeping hold of me.. twisting my fat arm around to get to my fat ass and fat legs..as I ran around in a circle she would scream out every single thing about me that pissed her off that day. She called it her little black book..should have been called my big red ass. After the hitting screaming and crying was over I would hide in the bathroom which had the only door that locked then go straight for the food. What ever I could find to stuff down my throat would go hand to mouth so fast I couldnt taste it. Mom always bought a shit-ton of groceries and when she brought them home I would put them all up in straight rows..all the chili..all the beans..all the boxes of mac n cheese would be faced forward and even..still do that to this day..its so pretty. So with all this baggage and I dont mean my fat ass..not eating my nervousness away sucks a big dick. I cant make everyone happy and I dont plan to try anymore. Make your own shitty self happy and if you cant.. go jump off a bridge. Your happiness is not my responsibility!  So if things get uncomfortable or you cause kaos well then that will be your problem. I choose to be happy and if something is bothering me im going to ignore it instead of eating it. Being happy is being healthy and I choose happy...

Withdraw...

After a week of frenzy feeding my big fat mouth with chocolate and cake and sweets today is the day of reckoning... the downward spiral of a 7 day sugar high..it feels like the endless tunnel that they fell down in Land of The Lost..or the rabbit hole Alice rolled down.. cept im not eating that little cake that makes her tiny (thats just a lie..I'd eat it) I have a pounding headache and im sweaty ( I never ever sweat..ever) I want ..no I need sweets! I keep dropping things and I might be a little mean. I hate everything! I hear this sound coming from my big fat bubble guts. Im so hungry. Today has been my apple cheese stix and nut day. I cant tell you how hard this is. I cant wait till 9pm so I can go to bed ..settle down with a good book and wake up tomorrow without withdraws.

Candy..my 1st love

My first good memories are of sweet beautiful candy. My uncle Bill filling up a little brown paper bag every time I would visit his store. The colors..the shapes the smells.:)  My mom would announce she had to run to the store and I would be in the car before she could get her keys. She would begin by threatening to beat my ass if I so much as looked at the candy when we got there and we would get into the car where she would drive 75 miles per hour to the very next street where the store was. My car door opened and I was out of the car before she could get the brakes on and I was on bended knee at the candy counter picking what I needed faster than any fat kid on the planet. I had tried every kind..given it a score from 1-10. Little tiny chocolates in the shape of footballs being my favorite most days but not wanting to make all the other candy jealous, variety was my best option. Mom would come over..grab me by the back of the neck..drag me to the counter where she made me sit till she checked out. The man who owned the store feeling sorry for me for getting my ass beat in the store would sneak me a 10 piece bag for the road. Looking back I bet he hated seeing us coming because not a day went by that she did not scream hit kick cuss n drag me all the way to the car like the horrible mean bitch was,  but it was all worth it. Those 10 little pieces of sweet sugar love was my prize and oh how I enjoyed them....it's true..you never forget that first love

Fatty fatty binge

Im still at 158lbs but for some reason if I dont have some chocolate today I will hurt someone. My mind doesnt care about anything else. Food water air..nothing..just chocolate.  I dont want to talk sleep listen to the breeze on the balcony. .as a matter of fact it can shut the fuck up im going to get a dove bar and im going to eat it all one square at a time till I puke. What a nice plan..and noone has to die :)

Normal kimmie

I woke today and I weigh 158lbs! I have not seen the 50s since before apple was born. I have noone to tell that gives a shit but im so glad for my blog. Blogging keeps the hardest times and the greatest times thru this journey be less lonely. I wish for a big white tshirt that post 158 on it..maybe with a little glitter.. my celebration would be cake but not this time and not till my bday...8days away. I can starve for a few more days. Im finally feeling a little normal today after a migraine train hit me but I think my mouth words are back. Today I celebrate. alone....158lbs. Yah me