I see me..

Theres was never a time growing up that my life was not kaos. I was always nervous and always wanting everyone around me happy. If everyone is happy and noone is upset I could go along with my day..but...there was not very many days that I could say were 'calm'. I have always been a chipmunk..awake at the buttcrack of dawn. You spend alot of time alone when you wake up early. So tiptoeing around the house and not waking anyone became a challenge.  Cereal...cartoons..and a bologna sandwich mashed flat with old popcorn was my morning 'calm'. Looking back I realize my mom was a ticking time bomb. I never knew what would set her off but nine times out of ten it was something I did and at any moment I was getting my ass beat. Im not talking about a spanking..im talking about a face slapping shoe hitting arm twisting verbal cussing ass beating. she hated me. She sat at the table one day and took a ping pong paddle and drilled a hole in the middle ..then began to draw the meanest looking face on it all while planning my death. Ouch that one hurt.. I had learned through the years that if I laughed and made all the people around me happy then I would be happy and food was a way to not think about what could go wrong. That comfort kept me 'fat as a hog' as my grandmother would call me but my fat became my armor as well. Mom would have a hard time keeping hold of me.. twisting my fat arm around to get to my fat ass and fat legs..as I ran around in a circle she would scream out every single thing about me that pissed her off that day. She called it her little black book..should have been called my big red ass. After the hitting screaming and crying was over I would hide in the bathroom which had the only door that locked then go straight for the food. What ever I could find to stuff down my throat would go hand to mouth so fast I couldnt taste it. Mom always bought a shit-ton of groceries and when she brought them home I would put them all up in straight rows..all the chili..all the beans..all the boxes of mac n cheese would be faced forward and even..still do that to this day..its so pretty. So with all this baggage and I dont mean my fat ass..not eating my nervousness away sucks a big dick. I cant make everyone happy and I dont plan to try anymore. Make your own shitty self happy and if you cant.. go jump off a bridge. Your happiness is not my responsibility!  So if things get uncomfortable or you cause kaos well then that will be your problem. I choose to be happy and if something is bothering me im going to ignore it instead of eating it. Being happy is being healthy and I choose happy...