Valentine's day massacre...

I am consumed..consumed with what I eat..consumed by what I cant eat..consumed with what others eat. I hate the fact that I have to think about whats going in my body every minute and the price I have to pay whenever I eat things that store in my body as fat. I worry about not running far enough or how to avoid hills that hurt and the fact that im still fat! Today i get up and i am determined to run so i bundle up and dont get down the street till i hit ice thats hid under that stupid facehead snow! My legs go flying above my head and im trying to turn so i dont bust my phone and my left ass cheek hits the road like a bomb..hip is frozen n broken like the old lady i really am and my arm and hand are smashed under my big fat bubble guts. Well fuck me i say and decide im going right back inside. Mother Nature you suck! So i head to the store to buy some..not bread and milk..and in my mind i have already decided to binge. I want icecream and i want it now. I pick up Gelato Bars and at 6 dollars for three of them they had better be as naughty as i imagine them to be. I cant even wait to get home so i rip open the box in the car and start biting the shit out of this delicious thing and guess what...its strawberry icecream..i hate strawberry icecream! So i throw the box out at the bridge thinking a homeless person would enjoy them cause its so cold they wont melt. Binge averted. So why was i on the verge of a binge? Im happy as shit nothing is bothering me im not worried or mad. The only problem i have is that i cant eat what i want! Why not be happy at 158lbs and my jiggley 30min run?? My stomach will never be flat until i get it tucked so why not love myself just as i am?? :/ ??   So my struggle to not gain will continue but my journey to weigh 4 and a half pounds is finally over....for today

Multiple choice. ..overload

One melba toast with my coffee. ..one not 2 or 3 or 65.. one. One Handful of cherries..just a handful..5 or so not every freakin cherry in the pack..ONE! One is the loneliest bunch of bullshit in my river.. no self control is my problem so why cant i fix my problems with food even when i know whats fixing to happen. Some days nothing seems worth it..today is one of them. I need a therapist fast. My relationship with food needs healing...now

Cold turkey...

Okay day three of cold turkey livin... no sugar cept for my truvia on top of my gross strawberries :/and in my bitter coffee..no bag of popcorn sitting next to me in the car..no cookies..no doughnuts...no dove chocolate bar the size of my head..What I've noticed is the headache..the sluggishness..the anger..ohh the anger. So i have just a couple of days left to get thru the withdrawal and then I'll be back to the normal me minus a few lbs of fat hanging from bugs bunny arms and hulk legs... I chopped up my apple and threw it in the blender with some truvia..instant applesauce.. yum. .in my mind i thought strawberrysauce even better. ...nope they still taste like shit.. Lets face it i will smell a strawberry all day but im really tired of eating the damn things and pretending i like them because somebody somewhere at some point said they are super good for you. Well mail my share to all the starving little children out there cause id rather suck on a lemon.

Love Makes Me Fat..

Ahhh love ... its almost Valentine's Day my favorite time...well my favorite candy anyway and my true love..Speaking of true love..my new beautiful and sweet friends Lindsey and Amanda @ my awesome as shit new job have introduced me to these tiny little things called thumbprint or fingerprint or willie wonka print i dont know cookies AND OMG THEY ARE AMAZING!! (So are my new friends) :) we walk to the bakery and buy a dozen and i have all 12 crammed in my stupid fat belly by the time we get back to the office. Theres also this wonderful chocolate icing thingy that if heaven was real it would be dead square in the middle of it..so Lins decided its name is chocalate heaven.. (i agree) theres also huge bear claws that would be the claw of a bear if the bear was made out of a huge fuckin doughnut!  Yummy.. so after three weeks of craming a dozen cookies in my face at a time or a chocolate heaven cloud or two and a few lunches of poison and these things called chicken nuggets  (your right amanda they are nuggets of something but its not chicken. .i just threw up a little) i have gained another 8lbs :/ For everyone who is on this weight lose journey or i dont want to die from being fat plan just know that if you stop keeping track (write that shit down!) of the poison you eat daily or if you get lazy and stop planning your weekly meals YOU WILL GO RIGHT BACK TO FAT TOWN! Your body does not give a shit that you only had a boiled egg and green beans for lunch if you eat or swallow whole a dozen cookies it only runs to your fat cells. It also hurts when you run and the extra fat flops up over and over again and hits you in the top of the head :/ it also makes your pinkey toes fat and you have to buy new running shoes. Sooo moral of this blog. . Love of candy love of friends love of job....it all makes you Fat. So back to my real eating plan. Lets do this ...

No new floaties allowed..

Its jan 1st 2015. Long time no blog...Everyones resolution involves some sort of change bullshit. Oh lets be better people..lets get healthy...lets do better. Its been a year since I put on my blue running shoes and my whatever running hat and just took off. I stopped eating crap and crawled out of the bullshit river I was drowning in and onto the muddy banks of *oh shit this is hard*. I went from one or two migraines every two weeks to one a month and faced things headon like a' boss. Change makes everything wonderful. Today I stand on a mountain top and scream...BULLSHIT! The weight loss and being able to run without falling down is great and I can be honest when I say it feels good not to have my stomach stick out further than my tits..but its hard and the truth is the food is not why I have migraines! Some foods do make me have them but they come from out of nowhere. There is no reason for them that I can control and they are a curse that no amount of running can stop. And they should kill me like a train hitting you head on and full blast. No normal person could survive a true one. I have had my fill of them. So its been a year of running and it hurts by the way..my feet my knees my big ole ass all hurt..but it feels so good..:/ I have had too many migraines to count lately and trust me you do not run after one because sneezing hurts so bad you think a dagger just flew thru your skull...and starving to damn death because all the poison you want to eat makes your muffin top appear out of nowhere. ..It takes a week to get two pounds off and two days to put ten pounds on. While your body fights you every step of the way you keep  swimming thru the bullshit. In the front row seat of it all you stop.. you look around and you realize. .life is so great. .everyday is fun and laughing loving and on occasion eating a big ole oreo cookie is freaking fantastic!! We have all had problems and lost people who are precious and made new friends thru the year so lets do 2015 like no other year we've ever done..snoopy dancin' with class! One day one minute one giggle at a time with no floaties allowed..doggy paddle thru the bullshit like a new born baby.. totally love your guts friends and im so glad your all a part of it♡♡♡

Now im like ..whatever..

Its been a while since my last blog..I am a woman out of control as always but my blog is called drowning in the bullshit river not drowning in denial river..I know im out of control..HENCE THE BLOG... I lost all control on Halloween I ate so much candy that the verge of puke state lastest two days. Chocolate mustache was beginning to look like a real porn tache and skittles looked like hair bows stuck in my willie wonka curls. I think my eyes even changed colors due to the sugar rush. The crash came with a personality dysfunction I may have acted a bit ugly till my blood flowed clean again till the scale showed a normal read. My big fat bubble guts jiggled a little louder as I ran and cried but at this point it was all worth it.  Now it's after Thanksgiving and all I really went crazy on was my mother in laws dressing and that shit should be marketed and sold in stores so also worth it. But today???? Im having a hard time.. I need candy I need comfort..I need to punch babies. Will there ever be a time when food is not my enemy?? Ugghh I need to run ..run away

Hallowbullshit...

What a fucked up day..I head out in the freezin cold this morning to go get stuff to kill the fleas on december (again) and my gas light comes on.. of course. Im not driving slow cause lets face it I never drive slow and theres a huge board in the way of me turning into the gas station so I just turn a little farther down and BAM I hit the huge curb with my new car. It sounded like the back of my car broke off and a second little light said low tire pressure..shit! I turn around and go directly to walmart. When I get out and look at the damage ive done I want to throw up..there are not enough cuss words to even come close to helping so my only alternative?? Tears.. my back tire is flat and my beautiful wheel is stratched :(...  the walmart guy tries to put air in it and it leakes right back out... guess what I learned today..if you buy a 2015 car it will not come with a spare tire.. (loads of stuff to say but moving on) so now I have  to call kevin (ex husband now)and take him away from work he gets there says "the fun never stops" (cause he is an ass) pays for me a tire and goes back to work. 30 minutes later the Guy comes out says my wheels have locks and he cant get my wheel off without the key that is not in the car.. (the key that is at home in the garage) :/ I call kevin no answer ..kia they are assholes.. klee no answer.. kerry no answer ..god no answer..im fucked. Kevin calls back 30mins later hateful and is too far away so I decide im calling a taxi..30$ to wait 35 minutes for him to get there and drive me 5 miles!! No way! The sweetest little girl that works there offered to let me take her car..I took it.. filled up her gas tank and gave her the 30$ good people do still exist. I want you to know I have been at walmart for over five hours at this point and was ready to walk home. Im not sure which was worse the fact that I hurt my new car or realizing some other things that I dont want to really face right now..so after I get home I have never been more thankful for halloween and so happy that im so selfish not one kid got any candy from me last night so I still had lots to drown my sorrows in. I ate candy till my skin smells like candy mountain and my tears like kool-aid..this day can kiss my butt on its way out.. tomorrow im doing something fun just for me cause detoxification will have to begin..halloween rehab♡