52 YEARS OLD AND FABULOUS..AGAIN?

JULY 9 2020 TODAY I TURN 52... AND TODAY I WEIGH 174.4 LBS. MY PRECIOUS HUBBY IS TAKING ME TO GET NEW PANTS SO MINE WILL STOP FALLING DOWN AROUND MY LEGS LIKE A GANGSTER BITCH. TO CELEBRATE I WOULD LIKE TO GET A CUPCAKE THE SIZE OF MY HEAD BUT IT IS NO LONGER WORTH IT..THE SUGAR THE GLUTEN THE BULLSHIT... WITH ALL THE NEW MEDS, IF I EAT THE WRONG FOOD I GET SO SICK THAT A BINGE OR FEAST OF SUGAR LIKE I USED TO DO IS JUST NOT WORTH IT. I HAD RATHER NOT GO THROUGH IT I HAD RATHER KEEP THE TENDER BALANCE OF BEING OK FOR THE DAY. NO MIGRAINE , DID I THROW UP? NO..WELL IM OK THEN.  

180.1 lbs

today is June 18 2020.. I weigh 180.1lbs big fucking deal

IMPACT OF SELF LOVE

I LOVE ME ...IF YOU DONT LOVE YOURSELF NO ONE ELSE WILL EVER LOVE YOU. IF YOU DONT THINK THERE ARE GREAT THINGS ABOUT YOU, WHY SHOULD I... IF YOU LOOK BACK AT YOUR OWN REFLECTION AND YOU KNOW THAT YOUR BEAUTY IS A PRETTY FACE AND AN UGLY HEART.. YOU WILL NOT EVER BE HAPPY WITH HOW ANYONE LOVES YOU. PLEASING YOU WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE. IF CHANGE IS NOT POSSIBLE AND THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT YOURSELF, STAY AWAY FROM ME. TOXIC PEOPLE WILL DESTROY YOU. ITS OKAY TO GET THOSE KIND OF PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR LIFE. ITS OKAY TO LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH & TO BE HEALTHY & SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW WHEN PEOPLE SUCK THE LIFE OUTTA YOU. MY HEALTH AND WELL BEING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN IF EVERYONE ELSE HAS WHAT THEY NEED FROM ME. I USED TO PUT EVERYONE BEFORE MYSELF. I USED TO LET EVERYONE FEED OFF MY SUNSHINE, I AM HAPPY 99% OF THE TIME, BUT WHEN I WAS DROWNING NO ONE EVEN CARED TO THROW ME A RAFT. IF YOU STOP GIVING TO TAKERS THE LIFE FORCE THEY NEED, (YOUR LIFE FORCE) THEY WILL CAST YOU ASIDE AND GUESS WHAT.. IT WILL SET YOU FREE. ITS OKAY! I USED TO THINK I WAS A BAD PERSON IF I DIDNT WORRY ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE ALL THE TIME, I THOUGHT I WAS A BAD FRIEND IF I DIDNT WANT TO FIX THINGS FOR THEM INSTEAD OF MY OWN PROBLEMS.. NOW IM SICK, IM TIRED AND I HAVE BEEN FOR A WHILE AND I NEED TO WORRY ABOUT ME. I NEED TO BE HERE FOR MYSELF & MY FAMILY. FRANKLY EVERYONE ELSE CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES. IT FEELS PRETTY GOOD. :) HOPE THEY ALL DROWN IN THEIR OWN BULLSHIT RIVER! WHO GIVES A BIG RATS ASS WHAT MY WEIGHT IS RIGHT NOW, IM BLEEDING OUT.. THROWING UP ALL THE TIME AND HURTING INSIDE MY BONES LIKE A PIERCED MURDER VICTIM ..WEIGH MY SPARKLY ASHES WHEN YOU CREMATE ME. I REALLY DONT GIVE A SHIT! LOVE KIMMIE oh..BTW found out i have hashimotos and celiac disease.and fibromyalgia..I cant lose weight,  my hair falls out by the hand fulls, my teeth fall out, cant sleep, bones & muscles hurt, dry skin, cant poop, weak muscles, freeze to death, swollen fat face, early menopause, tired all the time, severe ocular migraines, need to kill people at the drop of a hat...dr says.. oh your fine just eat less exercise more and take these 75 medicines.. we will keep an eye on all the tumors on your breast and thyroid till you die :) put on your floaties and get back in that BULLSHIT RIVER! I went to a different Dr. that my friend told me about. I cried like a baby when I left because I finally felt like after all these years someone was finally listening to me and my sickness had a name. So what if I was going to die at least it had a name!!. She put me on the right medicine, the right hormones, and told me to stop eating wheat and get back off dairy for crying out loud and believe it or not I'm starting to feel like a normal human being. I take a shot everyday and a shot every week and 8 pills a day but its something. I'm not drowning in anyones bullshit just my own.

second rant

selfie world of torture ... what the actual fuck. i cant open any social media now days without a selfie feed and im gonna throw it up. why?? do you think you look that good and you have an emotional deep need to be told by everyone that sees it that you are soooo gorgeous... or do you loath yourself and a picture of your perfection must be posted on every screen because your personality sucks so bad your beauty is all you have...is there no one around you to put in the selfie that fills your life with joy.. that would be called a welfie? i have around 1000 friends and about 30 of them have an entire media of just self portraits of there face everyday. most of the time in the car, in front of the mirror, or in their bathroom. one guy looks like he has posted his head on different clothes like GI JOE OR BARBIE..same pose, same smile, just different outfit and one lady leaves her seat belt on in the picture EVERY SINGLE DAY! the only thing different is her shirt. I understand one here or there if you think you might be looking ok that day or if your hunting someone to see you and maybe beg to fuck you, but every single day and you only have pictures of your "living" as hey, this is how my six pack or lipstick looks today! my life is boring otherwise. read a book for shit sake , the world outside is phenomenal! the universe expands every second not just the dead cells that have grown from your head or fingers! i really could care less about the color of your fucking nail polish and that is about TWO OF THE MEN!!! i know.... im a bitch today

Rant of whats more likely...really??

im 51 years old and about 10 or 11 years ago i came to the conclusion that i had lived most of my life with the belief that there was a GOD who created me knew me loved me and would change the way of the world because i prayed to him. It all seems so absurd to me now and i feel as though the reason i believed is not because i felt his presence in my life but because that was what i was taught by everyone around me and what i needed to survive the horrible things that were happening in my life and in the world. God made the devil.. but no way he could be evil..?? love love love.. but the evidence is right the opposite of love when you think of what the bible actually says..or what your true thoughts about other people really are! i wonder sometimes do people even listen to how they talk??? *that baby girl was so sick and cancer eat her insides out and killed her slowly and painfully and she rotted from the inside out because GOD LOVED HER and saw fit that she would be a testimony of his perfect love?? ooorrrrr maybe she was being punished because someone in her family sinned and she would be the price for that sin... consequence because the brutal murder of Jesus was not enough. dont live this life on earth only look to heaven .. geez that is so fucking stupid. what is more likely? evolution of an animal species that created a god to rule over people and came up with anthropological ideas to explain how science works because we didnt have the answers we have now...(REMEMBER WE HAVE ABOUT 3000 RELIGIONS NOT JUST YOURS) ooooor, this vast universe was made by a spirit who just moved around in the middle east and watches our every move to see if we only worship him and has ABSOLUTELY NO REAL CONTACT WITH US ANYMORE EVER! except what we make up out of words written in a book by old men who killed who they wanted to, took what they wanted from everyone who was not as smart as they were and had sex with everyone they wanted, oh and free will, unless we dont want to do what he says, then we burn in hell or get swallowed by a whale and stuck in his belly until we comply. we are to trust and believe in this book until we need something that doesnt happen and then we are to believe it was his will..this god that loves us soooo much.. he needs us to suffer and be sick or get murdered or raped or abused to test our faith and love for him :( but he will help you find your car keys or buy that new dress youve wanted for days. but that tumor in uncle grandpas head can just keep on growing because hes not as good as you!?) my best friends son was tragically killed young, he was a good person.. but this drug filled piece of garbage over here, my ex son in law, has a great life and mistreats all gods good people.. he gets to live. get your new outfit on for the sunday service and pretend to pray and be holy, when all thats in the back of your mind is.. all these people suck but im great and whats for dinner after this bullshit!!! after all these years, over 12 yrs actually, I have never looked back or waivered on the belief that there is not! not! not! a god and really cant understand why people think he is real except for the fear of going to hell that has been pounded in your brain your whole life and you only read the part of the bible that makes you feel good. we now have the scientific method to exchange ideas and if we can come to the conclusion that we are a tiny wild flower that popped up and we are going to die, life would become so precious and we would know that evolution is a horrible and painful process that god did not invent.. even though since he did create evil and death and murder and rape and sin..why not right??? i dont kill people or mistreat people because i chose kindness not because im afraid to die and get punished by this god that loves me but because i chose life and a good life, to love others and care about someone besides myself and know that THIS IS IT! THE ONE TIME I GET A FEW SHORT YEARS TO LIVE MY BEST HAPPY LIFE AND IM GONNA MAKE IT GREAT!!! get over yourselves! your not so special that he keeps your tears in a bottle over your hurt feelings or your body breaking down or whether or not you like the car and house you own and want better for it. be a good person without needing an imaginary friend who is all powerful and has chosen not to show himself real to you because those feelings you get from praying and singing jesus music are the same feelings you get from your brain about new love or your team winning in that sport you pray about. REASON ... ITS THE ONLY TRUE EMOTIONAL HAPPINESS

what the fuck! my quest for relief of a headache and a fat ass!

okay its the 13th of August 2019. i weigh 189.0 today. its coming off so slow but worth it even though i am starving to fkn death. not being dramatic or anything but TO FUCKING DEATH..my shirts are too big.. my pants are baggin and i cant be happier about it. i have had about 40 migraines in the past few months and i am just about to lose my damn mind. my vision has been off for a week now.. i see flashes of different colors in the "front porch" of my 3-d eyesight. i have to act normal when my mind makes me feel like im living in a funhouse with stroblights and loud screams from clowns and tiny little gobblings running around me.. i feel like im retarded and should be in a corner rubbing shit in my hair. this struggle with a headache that is nothing like a headache can only be a curse. i cant even complete a full thought and have had to read everything at least twice with my eyes squint up...still blurry. fuck me! it makes me so mad! why cant i just be normal. i have to fight with food, fight with pain, worry my ass off about my kids and hubby. being sick doesnt get easy. i can say that being 51 and with all the problems that seem sure ahead, i still have never been happier. i love my life with my hubby and can say for sure its the greatest life even with the worries. he is pretty fantastic. i think i might be a mutant..noone can take this much pain at once.."super hero headache lady" my teeth feel numb today..how stupid does that sound and noone understands but i will not fall back on eating crap that makes me even sicker. ive been taking my side view pictures in the long mirror at work in the morning and its funny how my pictures look different as i get smaller but how it seems like im getting shorter?? but the reality of my huge fat ass everyday helps keep me in check even though ive finaallly cracked the less than 190 mark. maybe just maybe if my period desides to start ever again i will lose another 10 pounds of lady parts that i dont need anymore. but for now...today..i will be happy with the three pounds i keep going up and down and my life will be unicorns and pixie dust no matter big my ass is.

Turkey Burger Baby

When I got on the scale this morning, after not having any dinner last night except for a hot cup of mocha coffee , I am @ 196.6 lbs. my size 14 jeans do not cut my waste in half today and my shirt does not round up over my belly, which has gone down from sticking out past my floppy old lady titties. But for some damn reason after eating my healthy turkey burger with sweet peppers cut up inside it (which was delish) I got me a cup of joe and ate a pack of cheese crackers with 9 goddamn grams of fat in them!!!! wtf??? My mind kept saying, what are you doing! what the hell are you doing!!! they tasted like pure oily shit BTW and I did not stop and even breathe the entire time I was eating them. wash it down, wash it all the way down with mocha gold and never look back. Now I feel like a complete failure, a fatty fatty peter belly who cant control what she eats!. I cant, I really cant control myself, and nothing will stop me once I put my sights on something bad to eat. Not sure why I hate myself.... I really can control it you know. I have went days without eating not much of anything. It has been months since I have had a baby coke and used to down two or more a day. Oh and lets not talk about the bag of peanut butter cups I used to nibble on all day @ work. But in slow motion I watched myself sabotage my mission of being healthy for that few seconds of *what ever the fuck I want to do* it was like I was pissed off @ that turkey burger for being what it was! a healthy cunt! well lets just wait out another week to release 1 stupid LB and go on with our lives.... fuck!

.... WHATEVER

BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT.. I have no words, i cant figure out if I'm emotional because I'm starving or my feelings are really hurt.. the tears keep showing up on my face but I think I'm mad?? Fuck if I know. I don't know if anyone else in the room noticed either or even cared. Oh Kimmie is not hurt or mad shes not like that , just say 'whatever' she will go along with any of it, no big deal. Well I guess its not as long as I don't make a big deal out of it. So eat shit with a fork and smile :) that's what I do. At least I would be eating something, I am finally down @ 200 lbs again which is still on the death obese list for my height of 5'2" (when I tiptoe) I ate a boiled egg salad with cucumbers yesterday and a handful of blueberries THAT'S FUCKING IT! Its so hard when the food planning goes to hell because you know you cant cheat , you cant eat after 6 pm and nowhere to just stop by and get fast food poison..so I try to sit quietly and not think about my stomach hurting and my head hurting and now my heart hurts too. I still can cram about 25 small peanut butter cups in my mouth or eat a huge bag of cheetos if I wanted to and I would feel better for 5 minutes... I realize it would only hurt me and I would be right back where I started. I am walking around @ night with a big piece of crunchy lettuce like a god damn rabbit and rabbits are FAT! I feel lost today..just lost..drowning in what I call other peoples bullshit river. where are my floaties?

DOWN AGAIN

I AM LITERALLY SO HUNGRY MY STOMACH HURTS. LIKE IM HOLLOW AND I HAVE THE SUGAR SHACKS AND BABY COKE NEEDS.. BUT IM DOWN TO 202.6 LBS, SO IM ON THE BANKS OF THE BULLSHIT RIVER TODAY. LETTUCE TURKEY TACOS, BOILED EGGS, TURKEY SPAGHETTI WITH ZUCCHINI NOODLES, BLUEBERRIES AND LACROX WATER WITH CRYSTAL LITE. NOT RUNNING OR EXERCISE YET.. CEPT FOR SEX. I AM OK... I AM! WE TOOK THE WEEKEND TO GO TO THE RIVER AND KAYAK WHICH IS ALWAYS FUN. ANYWHERE I CAN STAY CLOSE AND TALK AND LAUGH WITH MY HONEY IS GREAT. I SOAKED UP ALL THE VITAMIN D THE SUN WOULD GIVE ME..YES ALL OF IT! YOU CAN NEVER GET TIME BACK WHEN YOU LOSE IT, SO MY ARMS WANTING TO FALL OFF FOR THE FIRST 20 MINUTES WAS NOT A BIG DEAL. IT GOT BETTER AS THE DAY WENT ON AND I FIT IN MY YAK, SO THATS A PLUS, ALTHOUGH MY BIG ASS ALMOST CAUSED ME TO TIP OVER A FEW TIMES BUT I KEPT IT STEADY. IT WAS EASIER THAN I THOUGHT TO STAY ON MY DIET THIS WEEKEND TOO. JOEY IS EATING PRETTY MUCH WHAT I HAVE BEEN COOKING AND OUR PICNIC WAS PACKED WITH HEALTHY SNACKS. I MADE GARLIC SHRIMP AND BROCCOLI FOR LUNCH ONE DAY AND IT WAS THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER TRIED TO EAT, GROSS! SHRIMP IS NOT MY FAVORITE AND THE BROCCOLI WAS MUSHY..I WANTED TO PUKE. MY COOKING SKILLS HAVE GOT TO INPROVE @ SOME POINT SO WE DONT STARVE. AS YOU CAN TELL IM NOT MY USUAL KIDDING AROUND SELF BUT THAT WILL COME BACK IN A FEW DAYS WHEN MY GUTS ARE NOT CAVING IN ON THEMSELVES. GROUCHY, HUNGRY, MEAN AND I HATE EVERYBODY RIGHT NOW.. INCLUDING MYSELF. STAYING STRONG ..I GOT THIS!

Drowned, Dead, & Washed up on the River bank like a whale

well hello there... I bet you can never guess what bullshit is going on this year..yep I'm phat! I have a gym in my house but never use it, I never run anymore, I eat like I should two or three days a week and the rest is spent with full blown hand motions of cramming in food food glorious food into my mouth! I am @ 208.6 lbs..gross, this winter has been a lay in bed 24/7 season.. except when I am working and when I am working I am sitting on my ass in front of a computer. Sex, which is still awesome, is the only exercise I get and no way am I giving up that. Although I do not have a clue how my sweet husband even finds my vagina anymore because it is lost under the rolls of thunder thighs and tumor belly that I hide under cute clothes and a tan. How sexy am I? not at all, but he has been eating with me and we are both a couple of fat asses. now..how bad am I gonna let it get, back up to 250 lbs?..298 lbs was my heaviest point before my lap band surgery, I seem to be well on my way! I am watching myself get bigger and acting like its not happening, until today. Today is the day this bullshit ends! I had to walk up my street to get my car and I almost fell over! I was breathing like I was having a panic attack! So good bye doughnuts, fuck you cupcakes, never again baby cokes..you can suck it! I want to live and I want to live being comfortable in my clothes because I'm not buying new bigger ones ever again. I still want to be laid up next to my sexy husband all day everyday just not like a beached rotten whale. ok lets see me not die..may 20 2019.  

worth the weight

well well well.. its almost fall... stupid fall, cant go naked and all the big sweatshirts and coats hide the extra pounds..the part that sucks is your sexy husband sees all the extra wobbly bits when you get frisky every night so i quess i will keep on keeping on with my not eating crap. i did however decide to add a little watermelon here and there and it hasnt seemed to make a difference yet.. even though water is good.. sugar from the fruit not so good. everyone says sugar from fruit is harmless but my body does not except that fact..its reeks havoc on my stystem and lots of it makes me gain gain gain..so please save the comments about fruit is natures sweetness cause to my fat cells say bullshit bullshit  bullshit..  i still have a pixy stix here and there and a baby pasta when im on the verge of hissy fit..i went to the dr yesterday and weighed in at 190.0.. happy about that and my pants fit okay so some things are worth the weight and slowly losing is okay too.. that way my lifestyle changes without the personality change.. so for now i will enjoy the little bit of sunshine that is left in this year and brace my self for freezin ma balls off winter... summertime will be back before ya know it..keep on the healthy road

WHATS YOUR REAL WEIGHT?

I DECIDED TO GO BUY A SCALE THAT WAS DIGITAL SO THAT I COULD KNOW IF I LOST 1.4 POUNDS OR GAINED .6 POUNDS..I  REALLY WANTED TO SEE THE CHANGE EVERY DAY AND IT COULD HELP KEEP ME MOTIVATED... COME TO FIND OUT MY SCALES WERE WRONG ALL TOGETHER I MEAN WRONG WRONG WRONG!! I THOUGHT I STARTED AT 206 AND HAD LOST DOWN TO 192 IN THREE WEEKS...IM ALL EXCITED THINKING THAT THIS NEW SCALE IS SOMEHOW GOING TO MAKE ME MIRACULOUSLY LOSE ANOTHER 2 LBS JUST BY GETTING IT OUT OF THE BOX!! WRONG!! SOMETIMES THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CUSS WORDS TO EXPRESS THE AMOUNT OF FRUSTRATION AND ANGER AND WAYS I WANTED TO END IT ALL WITH A EATING FRENZY... WITH EVERY KIND OF DISH AND CAKE AND CANDY THAT I COULD GET IN A SHOPPING CART AT WALMART. I COULD EAT RAW PASTA OR COOKIE DOUGH OR EVEN WATERMELON UNTIL MY STOMACH BLEW UP AND I WOULD DIE ON THE FLOOR LIKE A DRAMA QUEEN ANIMAL WITH SKITTLES IN MY HAIR AND CHOCOLATE ON MY FACE AND ASS.. HOPING MY HUSBAND PRIED THE COOL WHIP CAN FROM MY COLD HANDS BEFORE ANYONE ELSE SAW ME. MY NEW PERFECT SCALE SAYS CONGRATS YOU WEIGH 197.8 .. WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THIS! THE TRUTH IS WHAT IT IS.. THE SICK HARD TRUTH.. SO THEN IM THINKING OH MY SHIT!!! I MUST HAVE WEIGHED 220 LBS AT LEAST WHEN I STARTED..NO WONDER MY STOMACH STUCK OUT FARTHER THAN MY BOOBS..WAS I REALLY THAT BLIND TO MY BODY?? YES ... YES I WAS. SO I PICKED MY CRYING UGLY SELF UP AND WROTE DOWN THE TRUTH IN MY LITTLE LOG BOOK (WHICH I STARTED NOT TO DO BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON IF I DIDNT WRITE IT DOWN IT WASNT REAL) AUGUST 7TH 197.8 / TODAY AUGUST 22ND 193.4 NOW MOVING ON TO THE NEXT DAY WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE AND A REASON TO BE OKAY WITH LIFE.. MY HUSBAND IS GORGEOUS AND PERFECT AND I PROBABLY WONT DIE FROM BEING FAT.... TODAY :)

sometimes you throw away the poison...

well lets talk bullshit today, after the stevia migraine i gave my bff the stuff to make her some great little low calorie treats... low n behold my no migraine friend is feeling sick as shit with a weird headache..i have poisoned my best friend..sometimes its better to throw the shit away. I am at a huge weigh in of 193 lbs today after a slow down and a fight with some oily greasy nasty shrimp at (Mexico) ..which i may have to at least give some credit because i pooped like a wounded coon after that dinner and may have lost a few pounds without meaning to.. My new favorite jeans are saggin and I may be wrestling into my smaller jeans by next week i hope..but shopping for tops for work is still a struggle..thought one was gonna be wearable till i looked down and it had ruffles spewing down the front like a duck dynasty beard...i like a beard on my husband not my shirts..all clothes now days seem to have a peasant hooker vibe when over the size of 12... my boobs hanging out of everything doesnt help either..but as long as my boobs are not sticking out farther than my belly i will be just fine..I havent said much about my job lately because i love it so much..im afraid if i brag too much a piano or anvil will drop from the sky and hit me on the head or they will figure out they dont need me anymore..but its the greatest job ever and i get to talk to my husband a lot during the day which is always wonderful..so todays big meal was scrabbled eggs with mixed in turnips and i snuck a pixi stick instead of a smoothie..remind me of this when i cant believe ive gain 4lbs over a straw full of sugar..oh well all is not bullshit..not today anyway

all dressed up with no place to row your boat..

MEALS ARE GOING GREAT.. LBS ARE MELTING AWAY AND GUESS WHAT?/ MIGRAINE!! OF COURSE IT IS!! I ORDERED STEVIA IN THE FLAVORS AND WAS ALL OVER SOME RECIPES FOR APPLES. WOKE UP SATURDAY MORNING WITH PLANS TO ROW DOWN THE RIVER WITH MY HONEY AND FRIENDS AND ALL I HAVE IS LIGHTS IN MY EYES AND BLINDING PAIN. IT ONLY LASTED ONE DAY (THE PAIN) IM STILL SORE AND MY VISION IS DOUBLE AND OFF SO NO HORMONE TROUBLE JUST REMEMBER TO USE TRUVIA ONLY OR I CAN JUST KEEP MY STUPID BIG BUTT AT HOME. ALL IS BULLSHIT AND ALL IS WELL ..196 LBS TODAY ITS GOING DOWN BITCH !!

DOO DOO OVER..

OKAY.. SO HERE I GO AGAIN..@ 202 LBS.. PUKEY SMURF.. WITH BULLSHIT ADVISE FROM A DIET GIRL WHO THROWS UP ALL HEALTHY FOODS BUT KEEPS HER CANDY DOWN JUST FINE... PREPARING YOUR MEALS IS THE KEY..I KNOW YOU HAVE HEARD THIS 10,000 TIMES BUT IT REALLY IS. IF YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO EAT AND HAVE IT WITH YOU ITS MUCH EASIER TO NOT DESTROY ALL THE HARD WORK YOU HAVE DONE. SO WITH MY HUSBANDS HELP I WENT AND GATHERED UP ALL THE FAT FREE PROTEIN AND VEGGIES AND FRUIT THAT I NEED AND PLANNED ALL THIS WEEKS MEALS. COFFEE AND STRAWBERRIES FOR BREAKFAST (AND YES THEY STILL TASTE LIKE DOO DOO BUT ITS SOMETHING IN MY BELLY, GROUND UP TURKEY WITH FAT FREE BROTH, PEPPERS, EGG WHITE , ONION FLAKES AND SALSA TO MAKE MINI MEATLOAF, WITH GRAPEFRUIT SMOOTHIES FOR LUNCH, AND  CHICKEN STIR FRY FOR DINNER . ITS TIME CONSUMING YES BUT A LITTLE EXCITING TO WATCH THE SCALES MOVE DOWN. I FEEL LIKE IF I LET MYSELF CHEAT FOR JUST ONE DAY OR GET LAZY AND DONT HAVE WHAT I NEED TO EAT I WILL GO RIGHT BACK TO THE PHAT GIRL EATING AND NEVER FULLY RETURN TO THE HEALTHY ME. EATING WHAT I WANT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SHIT AND MAKES ME LAZY AND UNHAPPY AND ONCE I START DOWNHILL IM A TUMBLEWEED OF BULLSHIT EXCUSES AND DROWNING BEFORE I REALIZE WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME. PROTEIN NEEDS TO BE CHEWED...I KNOW THIS..I HAVE HAD A LAP-BAND FOR OVER FIVE YEARS NOW BUT EATING HEALTHY SOMEHOW MAKES ME FORGET TO CHEW..OR THE TRUTH IS ICECREAM AND CHEETOES CAN JUST BE INHALED.. NO THROWING UP... SO IF I SLOW DOWN CHEW MY FOOD, PUKEY SMURF CAN STAY IN THE BACKGROUND OR JUST GO DROWN HERSELF IN THE BULLSHIT RIVER... ONE LAST TASTY TREAT... CHOCOLATE COFFEE..ICE. TBSP MILK..2 STRAWBERRIES IN  A BLENDER... STARBUCKS CAN SUCK IT..DELISH!! MY HONEY AND ME MADE FAT FREE TURKEY CHILI YESTERDAY, CHILI TOMATOES, TURKEY, PEPPERS AND SEASONING WITH ONE MELBA TOAST AND I AM HAPPY TO REPORT ITS EVEN BETTER THAN ORIGINAL CHILI AND NOT OILY..YOU KNOW HOW YOU EAT SOME THINGS AND THERE IS SO MUCH FAT THAT YOUR MOUTH GETS OILY AND YOU GET ..THE DIARRHEA... ONCE THAT SETS IN IT DOESNT MAKE YOU SKINNY I PROMISE..SO JUST CHECKING IN TODAY AND CHECKING MYSELF..STILL DROWNING BUT HAPPY AS EVER..LIFE IS GOOD I HOPE FOR EVERYONE...

I TOTALLY MEANT TO DO THAT..

WELL BULLSHIT... ITS THE LAST DAY OF MY OLD LADY PERIOD AND ITS BEEN A LONG WEEK .. I FOUND MYSELF IN FRONT OF THE CHECK OUT LADY WITH MY SMALL BAG OF PRETZELS AND A HUGE DARK CHOCOLATE BAR SAYING "NO BAG NEEDED THANK YOU" BECAUSE I MAY IN FACT EAT THE FUCK OUT OF THIS CANDY BEFORE I GET TO WORK... IT BEING NO SURPRISE TO MYSELF THAT MY EVIL DARK SIDE WAS GETTING THAT LUSCIOUS TREAT AND I DIDNT GIVE A FUCK WHAT PRICE I WOULD PAY.. THE SANE PART OF ME KNOWS WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY BODY WHILE EATING THIS POISON AND THE INSANE PART OF ME THINKS LIFE WILL GO ON AS ALWAYS AND MY HEART WILL NOT EXPLODE AS I RUN DOWN THE STREET CRYING IN MY NEW SNOOPY DANCING RUNNING HAT..HOW FAR WILL I LET IT GO? WHAT PASSION IS THIS? I AM A WEREWOLF THAT EATS HER WAY THRU ANYTHING THAT IS TASTY WHILE THE MOON IS FULL (OR NOT FULL..JUST UP THERE LOOKIN LIKE SOME CHEESE) AND WAKING UP WITH CHEESE PUFFS AND PIXY STIX DUST IN MY HAIR FEELING LIKE COMPLETE AND TOTAL SHIT. IT HAS BEEN A BATTLE FOR TOO MANY YEARS AND YOU KNOW WHAT??? IM SICK OF IT! I HAVE NO ISSUES WITH MY BODY IMAGE, I AM WHO I AM AND IF ANYONE DOESNT LIKE TO LOOK AT ME GO FUCK YOURSELF.. BUT I REALLY HAVE A DESIRE TO LIVE AND LIVE A VERY VERY LONG TIME BECAUSE IM HAPPY!!! I WONDER IF I SHOULD WRITE A SUICIDE NOTE TO MY LOVE ONES WHEN I EAT THIS CRAP JUST IN CASE I HAVE A HEART ATTACK AND DIE UNEXPECTEDLY...?? " IM SORRY PEEPS BUT I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER DELICIOUS FOOD AND MY HEART COULDNT TAKE THE PRESSURE BUT I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY BIG FAT BUBBLE GUTS LOVE KIMMIE.. " I HAVE SURVIVED LEVEL 10 MIGRAINES FOR 48 YRS SO I GUESS A HEART ATTACK CAN SUCK IT! I GET ALOT OF GOOD ADVICE ABOUT HOW I SHOULD EAT AND HOW I SHOULD RUN AND HOW I SHOULD LIVE MY LIFE BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY IM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN CONTROL WHAT I PUT IN MY MOUTH AND THIS DAY..THE WEREWOLF WON..AGAIN

CHANGE OF SCENERY

it's been a long time since I've blogged but the struggle with weight gain has been a daily bullshit river swim. I still eat protein and greens with very little dairy.. ive added candy, spaggetti, an occasional baby coke and run like a fat girl everyday i mean, month..well almost every month.. there seems to be some changes going on in my snoopy dancin life lately. I still love my life and rainbows and glitter are still shooting out my ass, but my scenery or outlook rather has changed dramatically. all the things that were going on in my marriage that I was ignoring, finally came running over me like a bus. I would run and cry about things going on and you think because you dont say it out loud it must not be true, but it is, it was so true and horrible... you go along fine. go along kinda fine ..go along fine and then BAM! life hits you square in the puss like a full blast freight train and it should just end you!! like kill you dead.. but it doesnt! you continue to live and hurt and everything you thought you were doing right is a sham! There is a hurt that you get over and you learn from and then there is a hurt that changes you and let me tell you friend I've been changed. the thing is.. now that I didnt actually die, this has been for the better. I could go on and on about how my marriage ended but in the end, it just did. sometime relationships end. I was determined to never love again and just lust, because if love leaves you, it breaks you in half, it can make the sweetest of people dark and bitter, but if lust leaves?  hell just go get some more, that shit is everywhere!!** but then, outta the blue I hear a voice from behind me, that was so sweetly familiar..I'll call him superman.. because that's what he is ..my superman... that smile of his that I had gotten to know over the years and that delicious looking duck dynasty beard he had grown while I hadnt seen him, took my breathe away! .. all it took was a hug that latest a few minutes longer than normal and i was hooked. He smells like fierce btw (so sexy) and after spending time with this precious man,  ALICE HAS FELL DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE!!!! Only in a fairy tale could life be this good.. this is what I've been missing in a life where I was complacent and thinking oh this is just what you put up with after so many years of marriage. Fuck no its not!!! You do not put up with cheating, lies and never making any money, you never put up with second hand love or being taken for granted.. you expect to get from the people you love what you put in, or tell them to go suck it somewhere and move on... this is the real stuff, here with my superman.. this is what life supposed to be like and may I add that the sex is something that has no words to describe it and if I did make up words no one would believe it cause no way has anyone experienced this man like I get to..OMF!! AMAZING! HE IS THE REASON FRUIT BASKETS WERE INVENTED! The way I was hurt yes, it changed me, but the way he loves me has also changed me and he has made me happier than any girl has a right to be. I adore him. he is my heart and we laugh and love everyday, life is so very very good. But now lets talk about the BULLSHIT RIVER that my mind seems to take me too when my emotions take over my eating and my body goes to hell in a candy basket. I have spent everyday the past two years having the greatest sex of my life and eating everything that my dirty phat mind has laid in front of me. Here I am, no longer running everyday, no longer eating what is best for my body and mind and no longer facing the problems my body has with food in general..LIKE IT HATES MY FKNG GUTS AND MAKES ME FAT AND GIVES ME MIGRAINES.. THE END... NO NOT THE END..the beginning, I decided to start running again, I got up put on my {this is bullshit} running hat and tippy toed down to the end of my road to the fat dog that barks too much, turned around jogged, skipped and tippy toed back home. I didnt die, but shit I thought for about 10 minutes I was going to. My precious superman was waiting for me and to be honest I would have rather spent that time in bed with him than running anyday, but if I dont start eating healthy and running again I am going to die of being fat and I want all the years I can have with him and not be pushing up daisies. So start all over again if you have to and just live! Live happy, free and if anyone has a problem with it they can suck it and go be shitty somewhere else. PHAT GIRL RUNNING, BLOGGING AND EATING WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE..AGAIN

Lifting up shit...

So going to the gym 6 days a week takes a kind of discipline i dont have yet so 4 days a week will do just fine for me ..for now. Running on a treadmill is just a little different than running around my neighborhood at 4:30am or in the park with just the ducks around me. Its boring as fuck for one thing and I cant sing out loud or snoopy dance at the end of my victory run where i dont fall down or die. Lifting up stuff and making my legs stronger makes me happy though.. im just really worried about getting contaminated from all the breathing hard and sweat everywhere. I feel like im getting fatter though and my clothes are getting tighter and the scale is moving up up and up but I do realize its from muscle cause THE GUNS are stretching my cute shirts and my big ole man legs are ripping my skirts!! Lol The journey continues and changes from month to month and if your drowning in the bullshit river with me I hope you do start weight training its worth the suffering. I was starting my run as usual and i had my headband that reads "shitty shape shifter" around my neck to start because I change clothes at work before I go to the gym so its usually a fast process..im starting to sweat and my hair is all over the place so without stopping i pull the headband over my face and onto my twelvehead. I do my 30 mins and move to the leg department and the fast speedway all body work out..im all over this gym not paying anyone any mind except for the two guys that have duck dynasty beards that always move in motion together like hillbilly dancers...too funny. After im finished I go stretch n roll like a pig in mud and realize I should go because Penny Dreadful is coming on tv... I get in the car and look up to put on my glasses and get a glimpse of myself in the mirror.... MY HAIR IS STICKING STRAIGHT UP FROM MY HEADBAND! I look like something about Mary LOL im talking sticking up like a feather hat growing out of my face. Im such a dork! Didnt stop me from going back cause i laughed at myself harder than anyone else ever could. Might just be a new hairdo from now on its certainly a distraction from my big ole booty. Thanks for all the advice from everyone.. I am trying small weight high reps and squats really really suck but as they say no pain fat gut..or something like that..

ITS ALL DOWNHILL..

Im not over the hill..im down the hill.. all this time ive been calling myself a runner..oh just run i write!  Put on your shoes and run! Run till i dont jiggle..run run blah blah bullshit. Turns out im no runner im a jogger..im a skipper..im jiggling in big lady pants! Im a shitty shape shifter that still after a year long battle with the same 'last 15lbs' cant control how my body looks. So after my knee decided to get all puffy n shit i decided to join the gym. Do things a little different. I put on my big lady pants and place my runnin band over my willie wonka ass hair and as it rest ever so tightly across my huge twelvehead and reads..potty mouth..i get on the treadmill thinking im a pro..next to me is this sweet little man trying so hard to walk he is sweating and gasping for air but determined to live another day..im so impressed...then...oh yes theres a then..... ms. gymchica' gets on the other side of me and starts running like kate hudson with her hair flowing in the wind from the guy next to me and she never breaks a sweat... REALLY? Forrest gump here!! So i just continue to skip and frolic for 30 minutes and go for the leg training department where i proceed to break my vagina and get contaminated from the hussy behind me. This is lovelyness and bullshit all at the same time. And tomorrow i will do it again but in the arm department i will not break a titty. I will get on the treadmill and run downhill in the same direction as my big fat bubble guts are pointing because downhill is way better than backwards.

Valentine's day massacre...

I am consumed..consumed with what I eat..consumed by what I cant eat..consumed with what others eat. I hate the fact that I have to think about whats going in my body every minute and the price I have to pay whenever I eat things that store in my body as fat. I worry about not running far enough or how to avoid hills that hurt and the fact that im still fat! Today i get up and i am determined to run so i bundle up and dont get down the street till i hit ice thats hid under that stupid facehead snow! My legs go flying above my head and im trying to turn so i dont bust my phone and my left ass cheek hits the road like a bomb..hip is frozen n broken like the old lady i really am and my arm and hand are smashed under my big fat bubble guts. Well fuck me i say and decide im going right back inside. Mother Nature you suck! So i head to the store to buy some..not bread and milk..and in my mind i have already decided to binge. I want icecream and i want it now. I pick up Gelato Bars and at 6 dollars for three of them they had better be as naughty as i imagine them to be. I cant even wait to get home so i rip open the box in the car and start biting the shit out of this delicious thing and guess what...its strawberry icecream..i hate strawberry icecream! So i throw the box out at the bridge thinking a homeless person would enjoy them cause its so cold they wont melt. Binge averted. So why was i on the verge of a binge? Im happy as shit nothing is bothering me im not worried or mad. The only problem i have is that i cant eat what i want! Why not be happy at 158lbs and my jiggley 30min run?? My stomach will never be flat until i get it tucked so why not love myself just as i am?? :/ ??   So my struggle to not gain will continue but my journey to weigh 4 and a half pounds is finally over....for today