what the fuck! my quest for relief of a headache and a fat ass!

okay its the 13th of August 2019. i weigh 189.0 today. its coming off so slow but worth it even though i am starving to fkn death. not being dramatic or anything but TO FUCKING DEATH..my shirts are too big.. my pants are baggin and i cant be happier about it. i have had about 40 migraines in the past few months and i am just about to lose my damn mind. my vision has been off for a week now.. i see flashes of different colors in the "front porch" of my 3-d eyesight. i have to act normal when my mind makes me feel like im living in a funhouse with stroblights and loud screams from clowns and tiny little gobblings running around me.. i feel like im retarded and should be in a corner rubbing shit in my hair. this struggle with a headache that is nothing like a headache can only be a curse. i cant even complete a full thought and have had to read everything at least twice with my eyes squint up...still blurry. fuck me! it makes me so mad! why cant i just be normal. i have to fight with food, fight with pain, worry my ass off about my kids and hubby. being sick doesnt get easy. i can say that being 51 and with all the problems that seem sure ahead, i still have never been happier. i love my life with my hubby and can say for sure its the greatest life even with the worries. he is pretty fantastic. i think i might be a mutant..noone can take this much pain at once.."super hero headache lady" my teeth feel numb today..how stupid does that sound and noone understands but i will not fall back on eating crap that makes me even sicker. ive been taking my side view pictures in the long mirror at work in the morning and its funny how my pictures look different as i get smaller but how it seems like im getting shorter?? but the reality of my huge fat ass everyday helps keep me in check even though ive finaallly cracked the less than 190 mark. maybe just maybe if my period desides to start ever again i will lose another 10 pounds of lady parts that i dont need anymore. but for now...today..i will be happy with the three pounds i keep going up and down and my life will be unicorns and pixie dust no matter big my ass is.

Turkey Burger Baby

When I got on the scale this morning, after not having any dinner last night except for a hot cup of mocha coffee , I am @ 196.6 lbs. my size 14 jeans do not cut my waste in half today and my shirt does not round up over my belly, which has gone down from sticking out past my floppy old lady titties. But for some damn reason after eating my healthy turkey burger with sweet peppers cut up inside it (which was delish) I got me a cup of joe and ate a pack of cheese crackers with 9 goddamn grams of fat in them!!!! wtf??? My mind kept saying, what are you doing! what the hell are you doing!!! they tasted like pure oily shit BTW and I did not stop and even breathe the entire time I was eating them. wash it down, wash it all the way down with mocha gold and never look back. Now I feel like a complete failure, a fatty fatty peter belly who cant control what she eats!. I cant, I really cant control myself, and nothing will stop me once I put my sights on something bad to eat. Not sure why I hate myself.... I really can control it you know. I have went days without eating not much of anything. It has been months since I have had a baby coke and used to down two or more a day. Oh and lets not talk about the bag of peanut butter cups I used to nibble on all day @ work. But in slow motion I watched myself sabotage my mission of being healthy for that few seconds of *what ever the fuck I want to do* it was like I was pissed off @ that turkey burger for being what it was! a healthy cunt! well lets just wait out another week to release 1 stupid LB and go on with our lives.... fuck!

.... WHATEVER

BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT.. I have no words, i cant figure out if I'm emotional because I'm starving or my feelings are really hurt.. the tears keep showing up on my face but I think I'm mad?? Fuck if I know. I don't know if anyone else in the room noticed either or even cared. Oh Kimmie is not hurt or mad shes not like that , just say 'whatever' she will go along with any of it, no big deal. Well I guess its not as long as I don't make a big deal out of it. So eat shit with a fork and smile :) that's what I do. At least I would be eating something, I am finally down @ 200 lbs again which is still on the death obese list for my height of 5'2" (when I tiptoe) I ate a boiled egg salad with cucumbers yesterday and a handful of blueberries THAT'S FUCKING IT! Its so hard when the food planning goes to hell because you know you cant cheat , you cant eat after 6 pm and nowhere to just stop by and get fast food poison..so I try to sit quietly and not think about my stomach hurting and my head hurting and now my heart hurts too. I still can cram about 25 small peanut butter cups in my mouth or eat a huge bag of cheetos if I wanted to and I would feel better for 5 minutes... I realize it would only hurt me and I would be right back where I started. I am walking around @ night with a big piece of crunchy lettuce like a god damn rabbit and rabbits are FAT! I feel lost today..just lost..drowning in what I call other peoples bullshit river. where are my floaties?

DOWN AGAIN

I AM LITERALLY SO HUNGRY MY STOMACH HURTS. LIKE IM HOLLOW AND I HAVE THE SUGAR SHACKS AND BABY COKE NEEDS.. BUT IM DOWN TO 202.6 LBS, SO IM ON THE BANKS OF THE BULLSHIT RIVER TODAY. LETTUCE TURKEY TACOS, BOILED EGGS, TURKEY SPAGHETTI WITH ZUCCHINI NOODLES, BLUEBERRIES AND LACROX WATER WITH CRYSTAL LITE. NOT RUNNING OR EXERCISE YET.. CEPT FOR SEX. I AM OK... I AM! WE TOOK THE WEEKEND TO GO TO THE RIVER AND KAYAK WHICH IS ALWAYS FUN. ANYWHERE I CAN STAY CLOSE AND TALK AND LAUGH WITH MY HONEY IS GREAT. I SOAKED UP ALL THE VITAMIN D THE SUN WOULD GIVE ME..YES ALL OF IT! YOU CAN NEVER GET TIME BACK WHEN YOU LOSE IT, SO MY ARMS WANTING TO FALL OFF FOR THE FIRST 20 MINUTES WAS NOT A BIG DEAL. IT GOT BETTER AS THE DAY WENT ON AND I FIT IN MY YAK, SO THATS A PLUS, ALTHOUGH MY BIG ASS ALMOST CAUSED ME TO TIP OVER A FEW TIMES BUT I KEPT IT STEADY. IT WAS EASIER THAN I THOUGHT TO STAY ON MY DIET THIS WEEKEND TOO. JOEY IS EATING PRETTY MUCH WHAT I HAVE BEEN COOKING AND OUR PICNIC WAS PACKED WITH HEALTHY SNACKS. I MADE GARLIC SHRIMP AND BROCCOLI FOR LUNCH ONE DAY AND IT WAS THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER TRIED TO EAT, GROSS! SHRIMP IS NOT MY FAVORITE AND THE BROCCOLI WAS MUSHY..I WANTED TO PUKE. MY COOKING SKILLS HAVE GOT TO INPROVE @ SOME POINT SO WE DONT STARVE. AS YOU CAN TELL IM NOT MY USUAL KIDDING AROUND SELF BUT THAT WILL COME BACK IN A FEW DAYS WHEN MY GUTS ARE NOT CAVING IN ON THEMSELVES. GROUCHY, HUNGRY, MEAN AND I HATE EVERYBODY RIGHT NOW.. INCLUDING MYSELF. STAYING STRONG ..I GOT THIS!

Drowned, Dead, & Washed up on the River bank like a whale

well hello there... I bet you can never guess what bullshit is going on this year..yep I'm phat! I have a gym in my house but never use it, I never run anymore, I eat like I should two or three days a week and the rest is spent with full blown hand motions of cramming in food food glorious food into my mouth! I am @ 208.6 lbs..gross, this winter has been a lay in bed 24/7 season.. except when I am working and when I am working I am sitting on my ass in front of a computer. Sex, which is still awesome, is the only exercise I get and no way am I giving up that. Although I do not have a clue how my sweet husband even finds my vagina anymore because it is lost under the rolls of thunder thighs and tumor belly that I hide under cute clothes and a tan. How sexy am I? not at all, but he has been eating with me and we are both a couple of fat asses. now..how bad am I gonna let it get, back up to 250 lbs?..298 lbs was my heaviest point before my lap band surgery, I seem to be well on my way! I am watching myself get bigger and acting like its not happening, until today. Today is the day this bullshit ends! I had to walk up my street to get my car and I almost fell over! I was breathing like I was having a panic attack! So good bye doughnuts, fuck you cupcakes, never again baby cokes..you can suck it! I want to live and I want to live being comfortable in my clothes because I'm not buying new bigger ones ever again. I still want to be laid up next to my sexy husband all day everyday just not like a beached rotten whale. ok lets see me not die..may 20 2019.  

worth the weight

well well well.. its almost fall... stupid fall, cant go naked and all the big sweatshirts and coats hide the extra pounds..the part that sucks is your sexy husband sees all the extra wobbly bits when you get frisky every night so i quess i will keep on keeping on with my not eating crap. i did however decide to add a little watermelon here and there and it hasnt seemed to make a difference yet.. even though water is good.. sugar from the fruit not so good. everyone says sugar from fruit is harmless but my body does not except that fact..its reeks havoc on my stystem and lots of it makes me gain gain gain..so please save the comments about fruit is natures sweetness cause to my fat cells say bullshit bullshit  bullshit..  i still have a pixy stix here and there and a baby pasta when im on the verge of hissy fit..i went to the dr yesterday and weighed in at 190.0.. happy about that and my pants fit okay so some things are worth the weight and slowly losing is okay too.. that way my lifestyle changes without the personality change.. so for now i will enjoy the little bit of sunshine that is left in this year and brace my self for freezin ma balls off winter... summertime will be back before ya know it..keep on the healthy road

WHATS YOUR REAL WEIGHT?

I DECIDED TO GO BUY A SCALE THAT WAS DIGITAL SO THAT I COULD KNOW IF I LOST 1.4 POUNDS OR GAINED .6 POUNDS..I  REALLY WANTED TO SEE THE CHANGE EVERY DAY AND IT COULD HELP KEEP ME MOTIVATED... COME TO FIND OUT MY SCALES WERE WRONG ALL TOGETHER I MEAN WRONG WRONG WRONG!! I THOUGHT I STARTED AT 206 AND HAD LOST DOWN TO 192 IN THREE WEEKS...IM ALL EXCITED THINKING THAT THIS NEW SCALE IS SOMEHOW GOING TO MAKE ME MIRACULOUSLY LOSE ANOTHER 2 LBS JUST BY GETTING IT OUT OF THE BOX!! WRONG!! SOMETIMES THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CUSS WORDS TO EXPRESS THE AMOUNT OF FRUSTRATION AND ANGER AND WAYS I WANTED TO END IT ALL WITH A EATING FRENZY... WITH EVERY KIND OF DISH AND CAKE AND CANDY THAT I COULD GET IN A SHOPPING CART AT WALMART. I COULD EAT RAW PASTA OR COOKIE DOUGH OR EVEN WATERMELON UNTIL MY STOMACH BLEW UP AND I WOULD DIE ON THE FLOOR LIKE A DRAMA QUEEN ANIMAL WITH SKITTLES IN MY HAIR AND CHOCOLATE ON MY FACE AND ASS.. HOPING MY HUSBAND PRIED THE COOL WHIP CAN FROM MY COLD HANDS BEFORE ANYONE ELSE SAW ME. MY NEW PERFECT SCALE SAYS CONGRATS YOU WEIGH 197.8 .. WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THIS! THE TRUTH IS WHAT IT IS.. THE SICK HARD TRUTH.. SO THEN IM THINKING OH MY SHIT!!! I MUST HAVE WEIGHED 220 LBS AT LEAST WHEN I STARTED..NO WONDER MY STOMACH STUCK OUT FARTHER THAN MY BOOBS..WAS I REALLY THAT BLIND TO MY BODY?? YES ... YES I WAS. SO I PICKED MY CRYING UGLY SELF UP AND WROTE DOWN THE TRUTH IN MY LITTLE LOG BOOK (WHICH I STARTED NOT TO DO BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON IF I DIDNT WRITE IT DOWN IT WASNT REAL) AUGUST 7TH 197.8 / TODAY AUGUST 22ND 193.4 NOW MOVING ON TO THE NEXT DAY WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE AND A REASON TO BE OKAY WITH LIFE.. MY HUSBAND IS GORGEOUS AND PERFECT AND I PROBABLY WONT DIE FROM BEING FAT.... TODAY :)