Run of shame..

The only bloggin that needs to be posted today is that I ran twice (thanks Char for the advice) because my nerves are shot.. because of hatred that fills my brain for a women that im trying to understand why she is a poisonous bitch seed...I wanted to understand why her personality is so negative..maybe someone hurt her in her life. ...Well im sorry I had a fucked up childhood and we all have problems but that gives NOONE the right be a dick douche..and I bought Lindsey some Yum Yums and I ate them all. ..Two boxes!!!!... shit

Just one of the before pix @ 210lbs

I cant believe i carried this around and this is not my heaviest but look at that man candy behind me..woot woot !! But most importantly look at that crap in my arms. Thats all I ever ate..junk and poison.  

Fed the fuck up

If anyone who knows me is reading this they know I am the nicest person on the planet and it takes alot to make me mad. If I dont like you there is really something wrong with you. Im not the kind of person who would mistreat anyone or deliberately hurt you (unless u hurt my kid) so I find myself dealing with a couple of situations that im not sure how to handle because before if someone upset me I would eat. Not a meal that I would get second helpings..eat.. like a cartoon dog eating hotdogs out of a ditch. All would be well because I would be too sick to be upset and rainbows and sunshine would radiate from my butt. My love for fun and laughter seem to be a railroad for confrontional people... Always negitive miserable gutted assholes who talk down to everyone around them..I dont want that atmosphere in my life. YOU HAVE A PERSONALITY DISORDER MAM' ... but I smile and answer when I need to then I go grab a handful of yogurt covered berries and eat till I want to puke. There has to be a better way..but what is it..how do I deal with people who are dick douches or someone who hurts me and then trys to blaim me for it. I call you out on your bullshit and somehow I'm the bad guy???? I dont want to become hateful and I sure dont want to be fat so I dont have any solutions. I do know that you think your life is going sweet and all is well then BAM something happens that changes you..like a train hitting you from behind and your left with???... something different. My friend Lindsey says its life that hits you...I said..well life sucks!  Life doesnt suck..its good but some people suck. Too bad I cant eat them :/

Never let em see ya sweat

I never sweat.. I am the only fat girl in the history of the world that wears a sweater in the summer. Winter time hurts my body and I am never warm except under my heat blanket. But today..for some reason on this beautiful sunday morning..im running along the riverbank wishing it would rain on me or thinking I may jump off the dock right into the cool crisp water. Theres sweat runnin down my ass crack and my socks are wet! What is this stinky substance??? Im turning around.. im not happy about this. :/ Yesterday was a good day..I got to see my bff Heather for a while. It feels like we live 100 miles apart now but its only a thirty minute drive. I miss our all day hangouts. A few years ago it would have been an 'eat all day hangout. Starbucks and sonic hamburgers for breakfast. .yes I ate those for breakfast!  Mexico.. (Mexican restaurant) for lunch..{SIDEBAR- after lunch at mexico one day me heather and her sister went to the store to get a few things..as we are standing in line we keep smelling the worst body odor ever! We were making faces about the people in front of us and commenting on how bad they smelled. We almost got in another line. Then heathers neice walks up and says..Guys you smell like the mexican restaurant You STINK!!! it was us the whole time!}
I would eat snacks and candy all day long then cook like Rachel Ray when I got home all while snackin to taste test. But I was proud of us.. yesterday we talked laughed and caught up on life ..drove around in the sunshine all without stuffing our mouths with crap. I did have an apple in my purse just in case I got weak lol Social situations are the hardest because lunch or a movie or dinner is full of the worst food prospects.  Popcorn.. twizzlers..mac n cheese its all poison and I dont even taste it half the time cause im being with my friends..so instead I was just with my friend♡ My other friend Charlotte invited me for a healthy lunch next week sometime... which will also be lots of awesome catching up. ..But just like a cowboy and his guns..I will pack my apple.. :0

Bra'lett

What is a bra'lett anyway?? Im not wearing that..it sounds tiny and I have nothing tiny...my appetite is not tiny thats for sure. It was a good morning..ran like forrest gump then had my boiled egg n coffee and headed out with an apple in my purse in case I got 'eat my arm hungry. I was going shopping for yogu pants that dont look like I have a goober (wangin the dong pants) and as I'm driving home my car pulls into the store. Im sitting in my car like im stalkin the joint for robbery.  Dont chu do it! Dont chu freakin do it! But I did it. I rush in and go straight for the Starbucks moch and a dark chocolate dove bar. Im not thinking about it cause if I force myself to think about what im doing I wont get to eat it. Fuck that I want to eat it! You want the truth?? It tasted like shit..really.. I have it down my throat by the time I get home and its back up like exorcist and in the bushes. I failed..I fucked up.. im not in control.. I gained 482lbs ..I feel like  a loser..and not a weight loser. So the best part is I get to start over. Tomorrow I get to try again. Make different choices. And when my bitch of a car tries to pull into a store I will choose to run over a cute bunny or stray dog instead. Problem solved :/

Note to self...

Even when I think I want to eat an entire dark chocolate bar at one siting..I dont really want to. I dont take the time to taste it and if I do take the time its really not that great tasting at the end. My calorie count does not begin when I sit down with my plate. My calorie count begins when im cooking and choping and grabbing a handful of cashews or licking the spoon of yogurt. And most importantly.. get up and move my big fat ass everyday. Even the day after I go cheat and eat sweet frog with my family and feel like ive been poisoned with rat killer....

Girt it up girl!!

155LBS AND TODAY I PUT A BELT ON MY BRITCHES!!! HELL YEA :0 WOOTY WOOT! I have not ever ...ever ..did I say ever?? Tucked in my shirt and put on a freakin belt. AND I might add i did not look like humpty dumpty. The only thing I have tucked in lately have been my boobs in my pants so they dont hit the ground when I run. Speaking of running.. it was raining like crazy and I got a little excited because its the perfect excuse to not put on my WHATEVER hat and sit on my lazy hinney but I went.. I went in the rain and I didnt die. Like My favorite reminder sticky note says... YOUR FAT..GO RUN! Im working alone today and thats one of my triggers to pig out so Lindsey locked up the extra treats and John hid the tootsie rolls so only strawberries and cucumbers for me. How sad that im so out of control that if its there I know I will eat it..not just some of it but  All of it. :/   oh well baby steps and in the meantime I celebrate the victory. . Tuck n belt bitches tuck n belt!