Turkey Burger Baby

When I got on the scale this morning, after not having any dinner last night except for a hot cup of mocha coffee , I am @ 196.6 lbs. my size 14 jeans do not cut my waste in half today and my shirt does not round up over my belly, which has gone down from sticking out past my floppy old lady titties. But for some damn reason after eating my healthy turkey burger with sweet peppers cut up inside it (which was delish) I got me a cup of joe and ate a pack of cheese crackers with 9 goddamn grams of fat in them!!!! wtf??? My mind kept saying, what are you doing! what the hell are you doing!!! they tasted like pure oily shit BTW and I did not stop and even breathe the entire time I was eating them. wash it down, wash it all the way down with mocha gold and never look back. Now I feel like a complete failure, a fatty fatty peter belly who cant control what she eats!. I cant, I really cant control myself, and nothing will stop me once I put my sights on something bad to eat. Not sure why I hate myself.... I really can control it you know. I have went days without eating not much of anything. It has been months since I have had a baby coke and used to down two or more a day. Oh and lets not talk about the bag of peanut butter cups I used to nibble on all day @ work. But in slow motion I watched myself sabotage my mission of being healthy for that few seconds of *what ever the fuck I want to do* it was like I was pissed off @ that turkey burger for being what it was! a healthy cunt! well lets just wait out another week to release 1 stupid LB and go on with our lives.... fuck!

.... WHATEVER

BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT.. I have no words, i cant figure out if I'm emotional because I'm starving or my feelings are really hurt.. the tears keep showing up on my face but I think I'm mad?? Fuck if I know. I don't know if anyone else in the room noticed either or even cared. Oh Kimmie is not hurt or mad shes not like that , just say 'whatever' she will go along with any of it, no big deal. Well I guess its not as long as I don't make a big deal out of it. So eat shit with a fork and smile :) that's what I do. At least I would be eating something, I am finally down @ 200 lbs again which is still on the death obese list for my height of 5'2" (when I tiptoe) I ate a boiled egg salad with cucumbers yesterday and a handful of blueberries THAT'S FUCKING IT! Its so hard when the food planning goes to hell because you know you cant cheat , you cant eat after 6 pm and nowhere to just stop by and get fast food poison..so I try to sit quietly and not think about my stomach hurting and my head hurting and now my heart hurts too. I still can cram about 25 small peanut butter cups in my mouth or eat a huge bag of cheetos if I wanted to and I would feel better for 5 minutes... I realize it would only hurt me and I would be right back where I started. I am walking around @ night with a big piece of crunchy lettuce like a god damn rabbit and rabbits are FAT! I feel lost today..just lost..drowning in what I call other peoples bullshit river. where are my floaties?

DOWN AGAIN

I AM LITERALLY SO HUNGRY MY STOMACH HURTS. LIKE IM HOLLOW AND I HAVE THE SUGAR SHACKS AND BABY COKE NEEDS.. BUT IM DOWN TO 202.6 LBS, SO IM ON THE BANKS OF THE BULLSHIT RIVER TODAY. LETTUCE TURKEY TACOS, BOILED EGGS, TURKEY SPAGHETTI WITH ZUCCHINI NOODLES, BLUEBERRIES AND LACROX WATER WITH CRYSTAL LITE. NOT RUNNING OR EXERCISE YET.. CEPT FOR SEX. I AM OK... I AM! WE TOOK THE WEEKEND TO GO TO THE RIVER AND KAYAK WHICH IS ALWAYS FUN. ANYWHERE I CAN STAY CLOSE AND TALK AND LAUGH WITH MY HONEY IS GREAT. I SOAKED UP ALL THE VITAMIN D THE SUN WOULD GIVE ME..YES ALL OF IT! YOU CAN NEVER GET TIME BACK WHEN YOU LOSE IT, SO MY ARMS WANTING TO FALL OFF FOR THE FIRST 20 MINUTES WAS NOT A BIG DEAL. IT GOT BETTER AS THE DAY WENT ON AND I FIT IN MY YAK, SO THATS A PLUS, ALTHOUGH MY BIG ASS ALMOST CAUSED ME TO TIP OVER A FEW TIMES BUT I KEPT IT STEADY. IT WAS EASIER THAN I THOUGHT TO STAY ON MY DIET THIS WEEKEND TOO. JOEY IS EATING PRETTY MUCH WHAT I HAVE BEEN COOKING AND OUR PICNIC WAS PACKED WITH HEALTHY SNACKS. I MADE GARLIC SHRIMP AND BROCCOLI FOR LUNCH ONE DAY AND IT WAS THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER TRIED TO EAT, GROSS! SHRIMP IS NOT MY FAVORITE AND THE BROCCOLI WAS MUSHY..I WANTED TO PUKE. MY COOKING SKILLS HAVE GOT TO INPROVE @ SOME POINT SO WE DONT STARVE. AS YOU CAN TELL IM NOT MY USUAL KIDDING AROUND SELF BUT THAT WILL COME BACK IN A FEW DAYS WHEN MY GUTS ARE NOT CAVING IN ON THEMSELVES. GROUCHY, HUNGRY, MEAN AND I HATE EVERYBODY RIGHT NOW.. INCLUDING MYSELF. STAYING STRONG ..I GOT THIS!

Drowned, Dead, & Washed up on the River bank like a whale

well hello there... I bet you can never guess what bullshit is going on this year..yep I'm phat! I have a gym in my house but never use it, I never run anymore, I eat like I should two or three days a week and the rest is spent with full blown hand motions of cramming in food food glorious food into my mouth! I am @ 208.6 lbs..gross, this winter has been a lay in bed 24/7 season.. except when I am working and when I am working I am sitting on my ass in front of a computer. Sex, which is still awesome, is the only exercise I get and no way am I giving up that. Although I do not have a clue how my sweet husband even finds my vagina anymore because it is lost under the rolls of thunder thighs and tumor belly that I hide under cute clothes and a tan. How sexy am I? not at all, but he has been eating with me and we are both a couple of fat asses. now..how bad am I gonna let it get, back up to 250 lbs?..298 lbs was my heaviest point before my lap band surgery, I seem to be well on my way! I am watching myself get bigger and acting like its not happening, until today. Today is the day this bullshit ends! I had to walk up my street to get my car and I almost fell over! I was breathing like I was having a panic attack! So good bye doughnuts, fuck you cupcakes, never again baby cokes..you can suck it! I want to live and I want to live being comfortable in my clothes because I'm not buying new bigger ones ever again. I still want to be laid up next to my sexy husband all day everyday just not like a beached rotten whale. ok lets see me not die..may 20 2019.  

worth the weight

well well well.. its almost fall... stupid fall, cant go naked and all the big sweatshirts and coats hide the extra pounds..the part that sucks is your sexy husband sees all the extra wobbly bits when you get frisky every night so i quess i will keep on keeping on with my not eating crap. i did however decide to add a little watermelon here and there and it hasnt seemed to make a difference yet.. even though water is good.. sugar from the fruit not so good. everyone says sugar from fruit is harmless but my body does not except that fact..its reeks havoc on my stystem and lots of it makes me gain gain gain..so please save the comments about fruit is natures sweetness cause to my fat cells say bullshit bullshit  bullshit..  i still have a pixy stix here and there and a baby pasta when im on the verge of hissy fit..i went to the dr yesterday and weighed in at 190.0.. happy about that and my pants fit okay so some things are worth the weight and slowly losing is okay too.. that way my lifestyle changes without the personality change.. so for now i will enjoy the little bit of sunshine that is left in this year and brace my self for freezin ma balls off winter... summertime will be back before ya know it..keep on the healthy road

WHATS YOUR REAL WEIGHT?

I DECIDED TO GO BUY A SCALE THAT WAS DIGITAL SO THAT I COULD KNOW IF I LOST 1.4 POUNDS OR GAINED .6 POUNDS..I  REALLY WANTED TO SEE THE CHANGE EVERY DAY AND IT COULD HELP KEEP ME MOTIVATED... COME TO FIND OUT MY SCALES WERE WRONG ALL TOGETHER I MEAN WRONG WRONG WRONG!! I THOUGHT I STARTED AT 206 AND HAD LOST DOWN TO 192 IN THREE WEEKS...IM ALL EXCITED THINKING THAT THIS NEW SCALE IS SOMEHOW GOING TO MAKE ME MIRACULOUSLY LOSE ANOTHER 2 LBS JUST BY GETTING IT OUT OF THE BOX!! WRONG!! SOMETIMES THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CUSS WORDS TO EXPRESS THE AMOUNT OF FRUSTRATION AND ANGER AND WAYS I WANTED TO END IT ALL WITH A EATING FRENZY... WITH EVERY KIND OF DISH AND CAKE AND CANDY THAT I COULD GET IN A SHOPPING CART AT WALMART. I COULD EAT RAW PASTA OR COOKIE DOUGH OR EVEN WATERMELON UNTIL MY STOMACH BLEW UP AND I WOULD DIE ON THE FLOOR LIKE A DRAMA QUEEN ANIMAL WITH SKITTLES IN MY HAIR AND CHOCOLATE ON MY FACE AND ASS.. HOPING MY HUSBAND PRIED THE COOL WHIP CAN FROM MY COLD HANDS BEFORE ANYONE ELSE SAW ME. MY NEW PERFECT SCALE SAYS CONGRATS YOU WEIGH 197.8 .. WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THIS! THE TRUTH IS WHAT IT IS.. THE SICK HARD TRUTH.. SO THEN IM THINKING OH MY SHIT!!! I MUST HAVE WEIGHED 220 LBS AT LEAST WHEN I STARTED..NO WONDER MY STOMACH STUCK OUT FARTHER THAN MY BOOBS..WAS I REALLY THAT BLIND TO MY BODY?? YES ... YES I WAS. SO I PICKED MY CRYING UGLY SELF UP AND WROTE DOWN THE TRUTH IN MY LITTLE LOG BOOK (WHICH I STARTED NOT TO DO BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON IF I DIDNT WRITE IT DOWN IT WASNT REAL) AUGUST 7TH 197.8 / TODAY AUGUST 22ND 193.4 NOW MOVING ON TO THE NEXT DAY WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE AND A REASON TO BE OKAY WITH LIFE.. MY HUSBAND IS GORGEOUS AND PERFECT AND I PROBABLY WONT DIE FROM BEING FAT.... TODAY :)

sometimes you throw away the poison...

well lets talk bullshit today, after the stevia migraine i gave my bff the stuff to make her some great little low calorie treats... low n behold my no migraine friend is feeling sick as shit with a weird headache..i have poisoned my best friend..sometimes its better to throw the shit away. I am at a huge weigh in of 193 lbs today after a slow down and a fight with some oily greasy nasty shrimp at (Mexico) ..which i may have to at least give some credit because i pooped like a wounded coon after that dinner and may have lost a few pounds without meaning to.. My new favorite jeans are saggin and I may be wrestling into my smaller jeans by next week i hope..but shopping for tops for work is still a struggle..thought one was gonna be wearable till i looked down and it had ruffles spewing down the front like a duck dynasty beard...i like a beard on my husband not my shirts..all clothes now days seem to have a peasant hooker vibe when over the size of 12... my boobs hanging out of everything doesnt help either..but as long as my boobs are not sticking out farther than my belly i will be just fine..I havent said much about my job lately because i love it so much..im afraid if i brag too much a piano or anvil will drop from the sky and hit me on the head or they will figure out they dont need me anymore..but its the greatest job ever and i get to talk to my husband a lot during the day which is always wonderful..so todays big meal was scrabbled eggs with mixed in turnips and i snuck a pixi stick instead of a smoothie..remind me of this when i cant believe ive gain 4lbs over a straw full of sugar..oh well all is not bullshit..not today anyway