all dressed up with no place to row your boat..

MEALS ARE GOING GREAT.. LBS ARE MELTING AWAY AND GUESS WHAT?/ MIGRAINE!! OF COURSE IT IS!! I ORDERED STEVIA IN THE FLAVORS AND WAS ALL OVER SOME RECIPES FOR APPLES. WOKE UP SATURDAY MORNING WITH PLANS TO ROW DOWN THE RIVER WITH MY HONEY AND FRIENDS AND ALL I HAVE IS LIGHTS IN MY EYES AND BLINDING PAIN. IT ONLY LASTED ONE DAY (THE PAIN) IM STILL SORE AND MY VISION IS DOUBLE AND OFF SO NO HORMONE TROUBLE JUST REMEMBER TO USE TRUVIA ONLY OR I CAN JUST KEEP MY STUPID BIG BUTT AT HOME. ALL IS BULLSHIT AND ALL IS WELL ..196 LBS TODAY ITS GOING DOWN BITCH !!

DOO DOO OVER..

OKAY.. SO HERE I GO AGAIN..@ 202 LBS.. PUKEY SMURF.. WITH BULLSHIT ADVISE FROM A DIET GIRL WHO THROWS UP ALL HEALTHY FOODS BUT KEEPS HER CANDY DOWN JUST FINE... PREPARING YOUR MEALS IS THE KEY..I KNOW YOU HAVE HEARD THIS 10,000 TIMES BUT IT REALLY IS. IF YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO EAT AND HAVE IT WITH YOU ITS MUCH EASIER TO NOT DESTROY ALL THE HARD WORK YOU HAVE DONE. SO WITH MY HUSBANDS HELP I WENT AND GATHERED UP ALL THE FAT FREE PROTEIN AND VEGGIES AND FRUIT THAT I NEED AND PLANNED ALL THIS WEEKS MEALS. COFFEE AND STRAWBERRIES FOR BREAKFAST (AND YES THEY STILL TASTE LIKE DOO DOO BUT ITS SOMETHING IN MY BELLY, GROUND UP TURKEY WITH FAT FREE BROTH, PEPPERS, EGG WHITE , ONION FLAKES AND SALSA TO MAKE MINI MEATLOAF, WITH GRAPEFRUIT SMOOTHIES FOR LUNCH, AND  CHICKEN STIR FRY FOR DINNER . ITS TIME CONSUMING YES BUT A LITTLE EXCITING TO WATCH THE SCALES MOVE DOWN. I FEEL LIKE IF I LET MYSELF CHEAT FOR JUST ONE DAY OR GET LAZY AND DONT HAVE WHAT I NEED TO EAT I WILL GO RIGHT BACK TO THE PHAT GIRL EATING AND NEVER FULLY RETURN TO THE HEALTHY ME. EATING WHAT I WANT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SHIT AND MAKES ME LAZY AND UNHAPPY AND ONCE I START DOWNHILL IM A TUMBLEWEED OF BULLSHIT EXCUSES AND DROWNING BEFORE I REALIZE WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME. PROTEIN NEEDS TO BE CHEWED...I KNOW THIS..I HAVE HAD A LAP-BAND FOR OVER FIVE YEARS NOW BUT EATING HEALTHY SOMEHOW MAKES ME FORGET TO CHEW..OR THE TRUTH IS ICECREAM AND CHEETOES CAN JUST BE INHALED.. NO THROWING UP... SO IF I SLOW DOWN CHEW MY FOOD, PUKEY SMURF CAN STAY IN THE BACKGROUND OR JUST GO DROWN HERSELF IN THE BULLSHIT RIVER... ONE LAST TASTY TREAT... CHOCOLATE COFFEE..ICE. TBSP MILK..2 STRAWBERRIES IN  A BLENDER... STARBUCKS CAN SUCK IT..DELISH!! MY HONEY AND ME MADE FAT FREE TURKEY CHILI YESTERDAY, CHILI TOMATOES, TURKEY, PEPPERS AND SEASONING WITH ONE MELBA TOAST AND I AM HAPPY TO REPORT ITS EVEN BETTER THAN ORIGINAL CHILI AND NOT OILY..YOU KNOW HOW YOU EAT SOME THINGS AND THERE IS SO MUCH FAT THAT YOUR MOUTH GETS OILY AND YOU GET ..THE DIARRHEA... ONCE THAT SETS IN IT DOESNT MAKE YOU SKINNY I PROMISE..SO JUST CHECKING IN TODAY AND CHECKING MYSELF..STILL DROWNING BUT HAPPY AS EVER..LIFE IS GOOD I HOPE FOR EVERYONE...

I TOTALLY MEANT TO DO THAT..

WELL BULLSHIT... ITS THE LAST DAY OF MY OLD LADY PERIOD AND ITS BEEN A LONG WEEK .. I FOUND MYSELF IN FRONT OF THE CHECK OUT LADY WITH MY SMALL BAG OF PRETZELS AND A HUGE DARK CHOCOLATE BAR SAYING "NO BAG NEEDED THANK YOU" BECAUSE I MAY IN FACT EAT THE FUCK OUT OF THIS CANDY BEFORE I GET TO WORK... IT BEING NO SURPRISE TO MYSELF THAT MY EVIL DARK SIDE WAS GETTING THAT LUSCIOUS TREAT AND I DIDNT GIVE A FUCK WHAT PRICE I WOULD PAY.. THE SANE PART OF ME KNOWS WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY BODY WHILE EATING THIS POISON AND THE INSANE PART OF ME THINKS LIFE WILL GO ON AS ALWAYS AND MY HEART WILL NOT EXPLODE AS I RUN DOWN THE STREET CRYING IN MY NEW SNOOPY DANCING RUNNING HAT..HOW FAR WILL I LET IT GO? WHAT PASSION IS THIS? I AM A WEREWOLF THAT EATS HER WAY THRU ANYTHING THAT IS TASTY WHILE THE MOON IS FULL (OR NOT FULL..JUST UP THERE LOOKIN LIKE SOME CHEESE) AND WAKING UP WITH CHEESE PUFFS AND PIXY STIX DUST IN MY HAIR FEELING LIKE COMPLETE AND TOTAL SHIT. IT HAS BEEN A BATTLE FOR TOO MANY YEARS AND YOU KNOW WHAT??? IM SICK OF IT! I HAVE NO ISSUES WITH MY BODY IMAGE, I AM WHO I AM AND IF ANYONE DOESNT LIKE TO LOOK AT ME GO FUCK YOURSELF.. BUT I REALLY HAVE A DESIRE TO LIVE AND LIVE A VERY VERY LONG TIME BECAUSE IM HAPPY!!! I WONDER IF I SHOULD WRITE A SUICIDE NOTE TO MY LOVE ONES WHEN I EAT THIS CRAP JUST IN CASE I HAVE A HEART ATTACK AND DIE UNEXPECTEDLY...?? " IM SORRY PEEPS BUT I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER DELICIOUS FOOD AND MY HEART COULDNT TAKE THE PRESSURE BUT I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY BIG FAT BUBBLE GUTS LOVE KIMMIE.. " I HAVE SURVIVED LEVEL 10 MIGRAINES FOR 48 YRS SO I GUESS A HEART ATTACK CAN SUCK IT! I GET ALOT OF GOOD ADVICE ABOUT HOW I SHOULD EAT AND HOW I SHOULD RUN AND HOW I SHOULD LIVE MY LIFE BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY IM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN CONTROL WHAT I PUT IN MY MOUTH AND THIS DAY..THE WEREWOLF WON..AGAIN

CHANGE OF SCENERY

it's been a long time since I've blogged but the struggle with weight gain has been a daily bullshit river swim. I still eat protein and greens with very little dairy.. ive added candy, spaggetti, an occasional baby coke and run like a fat girl everyday i mean, month..well almost every month.. there seems to be some changes going on in my snoopy dancin life lately. I still love my life and rainbows and glitter are still shooting out my ass, but my scenery or outlook rather has changed dramatically. all the things that were going on in my marriage that I was ignoring, finally came running over me like a bus. I would run and cry about things going on and you think because you dont say it out loud it must not be true, but it is, it was so true and horrible... you go along fine. go along kinda fine ..go along fine and then BAM! life hits you square in the puss like a full blast freight train and it should just end you!! like kill you dead.. but it doesnt! you continue to live and hurt and everything you thought you were doing right is a sham! There is a hurt that you get over and you learn from and then there is a hurt that changes you and let me tell you friend I've been changed. the thing is.. now that I didnt actually die, this has been for the better. I could go on and on about how my marriage ended but in the end, it just did. sometime relationships end. I was determined to never love again and just lust, because if love leaves you, it breaks you in half, it can make the sweetest of people dark and bitter, but if lust leaves?  hell just go get some more, that shit is everywhere!!** but then, outta the blue I hear a voice from behind me, that was so sweetly familiar..I'll call him superman.. because that's what he is ..my superman... that smile of his that I had gotten to know over the years and that delicious looking duck dynasty beard he had grown while I hadnt seen him, took my breathe away! .. all it took was a hug that latest a few minutes longer than normal and i was hooked. He smells like fierce btw (so sexy) and after spending time with this precious man,  ALICE HAS FELL DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE!!!! Only in a fairy tale could life be this good.. this is what I've been missing in a life where I was complacent and thinking oh this is just what you put up with after so many years of marriage. Fuck no its not!!! You do not put up with cheating, lies and never making any money, you never put up with second hand love or being taken for granted.. you expect to get from the people you love what you put in, or tell them to go suck it somewhere and move on... this is the real stuff, here with my superman.. this is what life supposed to be like and may I add that the sex is something that has no words to describe it and if I did make up words no one would believe it cause no way has anyone experienced this man like I get to..OMF!! AMAZING! HE IS THE REASON FRUIT BASKETS WERE INVENTED! The way I was hurt yes, it changed me, but the way he loves me has also changed me and he has made me happier than any girl has a right to be. I adore him. he is my heart and we laugh and love everyday, life is so very very good. But now lets talk about the BULLSHIT RIVER that my mind seems to take me too when my emotions take over my eating and my body goes to hell in a candy basket. I have spent everyday the past two years having the greatest sex of my life and eating everything that my dirty phat mind has laid in front of me. Here I am, no longer running everyday, no longer eating what is best for my body and mind and no longer facing the problems my body has with food in general..LIKE IT HATES MY FKNG GUTS AND MAKES ME FAT AND GIVES ME MIGRAINES.. THE END... NO NOT THE END..the beginning, I decided to start running again, I got up put on my {this is bullshit} running hat and tippy toed down to the end of my road to the fat dog that barks too much, turned around jogged, skipped and tippy toed back home. I didnt die, but shit I thought for about 10 minutes I was going to. My precious superman was waiting for me and to be honest I would have rather spent that time in bed with him than running anyday, but if I dont start eating healthy and running again I am going to die of being fat and I want all the years I can have with him and not be pushing up daisies. So start all over again if you have to and just live! Live happy, free and if anyone has a problem with it they can suck it and go be shitty somewhere else. PHAT GIRL RUNNING, BLOGGING AND EATING WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE..AGAIN

Lifting up shit...

So going to the gym 6 days a week takes a kind of discipline i dont have yet so 4 days a week will do just fine for me ..for now. Running on a treadmill is just a little different than running around my neighborhood at 4:30am or in the park with just the ducks around me. Its boring as fuck for one thing and I cant sing out loud or snoopy dance at the end of my victory run where i dont fall down or die. Lifting up stuff and making my legs stronger makes me happy though.. im just really worried about getting contaminated from all the breathing hard and sweat everywhere. I feel like im getting fatter though and my clothes are getting tighter and the scale is moving up up and up but I do realize its from muscle cause THE GUNS are stretching my cute shirts and my big ole man legs are ripping my skirts!! Lol The journey continues and changes from month to month and if your drowning in the bullshit river with me I hope you do start weight training its worth the suffering. I was starting my run as usual and i had my headband that reads "shitty shape shifter" around my neck to start because I change clothes at work before I go to the gym so its usually a fast process..im starting to sweat and my hair is all over the place so without stopping i pull the headband over my face and onto my twelvehead. I do my 30 mins and move to the leg department and the fast speedway all body work out..im all over this gym not paying anyone any mind except for the two guys that have duck dynasty beards that always move in motion together like hillbilly dancers...too funny. After im finished I go stretch n roll like a pig in mud and realize I should go because Penny Dreadful is coming on tv... I get in the car and look up to put on my glasses and get a glimpse of myself in the mirror.... MY HAIR IS STICKING STRAIGHT UP FROM MY HEADBAND! I look like something about Mary LOL im talking sticking up like a feather hat growing out of my face. Im such a dork! Didnt stop me from going back cause i laughed at myself harder than anyone else ever could. Might just be a new hairdo from now on its certainly a distraction from my big ole booty. Thanks for all the advice from everyone.. I am trying small weight high reps and squats really really suck but as they say no pain fat gut..or something like that..

ITS ALL DOWNHILL..

Im not over the hill..im down the hill.. all this time ive been calling myself a runner..oh just run i write!  Put on your shoes and run! Run till i dont jiggle..run run blah blah bullshit. Turns out im no runner im a jogger..im a skipper..im jiggling in big lady pants! Im a shitty shape shifter that still after a year long battle with the same 'last 15lbs' cant control how my body looks. So after my knee decided to get all puffy n shit i decided to join the gym. Do things a little different. I put on my big lady pants and place my runnin band over my willie wonka ass hair and as it rest ever so tightly across my huge twelvehead and reads..potty mouth..i get on the treadmill thinking im a pro..next to me is this sweet little man trying so hard to walk he is sweating and gasping for air but determined to live another day..im so impressed...then...oh yes theres a then..... ms. gymchica' gets on the other side of me and starts running like kate hudson with her hair flowing in the wind from the guy next to me and she never breaks a sweat... REALLY? Forrest gump here!! So i just continue to skip and frolic for 30 minutes and go for the leg training department where i proceed to break my vagina and get contaminated from the hussy behind me. This is lovelyness and bullshit all at the same time. And tomorrow i will do it again but in the arm department i will not break a titty. I will get on the treadmill and run downhill in the same direction as my big fat bubble guts are pointing because downhill is way better than backwards.

Valentine's day massacre...

I am consumed..consumed with what I eat..consumed by what I cant eat..consumed with what others eat. I hate the fact that I have to think about whats going in my body every minute and the price I have to pay whenever I eat things that store in my body as fat. I worry about not running far enough or how to avoid hills that hurt and the fact that im still fat! Today i get up and i am determined to run so i bundle up and dont get down the street till i hit ice thats hid under that stupid facehead snow! My legs go flying above my head and im trying to turn so i dont bust my phone and my left ass cheek hits the road like a bomb..hip is frozen n broken like the old lady i really am and my arm and hand are smashed under my big fat bubble guts. Well fuck me i say and decide im going right back inside. Mother Nature you suck! So i head to the store to buy some..not bread and milk..and in my mind i have already decided to binge. I want icecream and i want it now. I pick up Gelato Bars and at 6 dollars for three of them they had better be as naughty as i imagine them to be. I cant even wait to get home so i rip open the box in the car and start biting the shit out of this delicious thing and guess what...its strawberry icecream..i hate strawberry icecream! So i throw the box out at the bridge thinking a homeless person would enjoy them cause its so cold they wont melt. Binge averted. So why was i on the verge of a binge? Im happy as shit nothing is bothering me im not worried or mad. The only problem i have is that i cant eat what i want! Why not be happy at 158lbs and my jiggley 30min run?? My stomach will never be flat until i get it tucked so why not love myself just as i am?? :/ ??   So my struggle to not gain will continue but my journey to weigh 4 and a half pounds is finally over....for today