52 YEARS OLD AND FABULOUS..AGAIN?

JULY 9 2020 TODAY I TURN 52... AND TODAY I WEIGH 174.4 LBS. MY PRECIOUS HUBBY IS TAKING ME TO GET NEW PANTS SO MINE WILL STOP FALLING DOWN AROUND MY LEGS LIKE A GANGSTER BITCH. TO CELEBRATE I WOULD LIKE TO GET A CUPCAKE THE SIZE OF MY HEAD BUT IT IS NO LONGER WORTH IT..THE SUGAR THE GLUTEN THE BULLSHIT... WITH ALL THE NEW MEDS, IF I EAT THE WRONG FOOD I GET SO SICK THAT A BINGE OR FEAST OF SUGAR LIKE I USED TO DO IS JUST NOT WORTH IT. I HAD RATHER NOT GO THROUGH IT I HAD RATHER KEEP THE TENDER BALANCE OF BEING OK FOR THE DAY. NO MIGRAINE , DID I THROW UP? NO..WELL IM OK THEN.  

180.1 lbs

today is June 18 2020.. I weigh 180.1lbs big fucking deal

IMPACT OF SELF LOVE

I LOVE ME ...IF YOU DONT LOVE YOURSELF NO ONE ELSE WILL EVER LOVE YOU. IF YOU DONT THINK THERE ARE GREAT THINGS ABOUT YOU, WHY SHOULD I... IF YOU LOOK BACK AT YOUR OWN REFLECTION AND YOU KNOW THAT YOUR BEAUTY IS A PRETTY FACE AND AN UGLY HEART.. YOU WILL NOT EVER BE HAPPY WITH HOW ANYONE LOVES YOU. PLEASING YOU WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE. IF CHANGE IS NOT POSSIBLE AND THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT YOURSELF, STAY AWAY FROM ME. TOXIC PEOPLE WILL DESTROY YOU. ITS OKAY TO GET THOSE KIND OF PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR LIFE. ITS OKAY TO LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH & TO BE HEALTHY & SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW WHEN PEOPLE SUCK THE LIFE OUTTA YOU. MY HEALTH AND WELL BEING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN IF EVERYONE ELSE HAS WHAT THEY NEED FROM ME. I USED TO PUT EVERYONE BEFORE MYSELF. I USED TO LET EVERYONE FEED OFF MY SUNSHINE, I AM HAPPY 99% OF THE TIME, BUT WHEN I WAS DROWNING NO ONE EVEN CARED TO THROW ME A RAFT. IF YOU STOP GIVING TO TAKERS THE LIFE FORCE THEY NEED, (YOUR LIFE FORCE) THEY WILL CAST YOU ASIDE AND GUESS WHAT.. IT WILL SET YOU FREE. ITS OKAY! I USED TO THINK I WAS A BAD PERSON IF I DIDNT WORRY ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE ALL THE TIME, I THOUGHT I WAS A BAD FRIEND IF I DIDNT WANT TO FIX THINGS FOR THEM INSTEAD OF MY OWN PROBLEMS.. NOW IM SICK, IM TIRED AND I HAVE BEEN FOR A WHILE AND I NEED TO WORRY ABOUT ME. I NEED TO BE HERE FOR MYSELF & MY FAMILY. FRANKLY EVERYONE ELSE CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES. IT FEELS PRETTY GOOD. :) HOPE THEY ALL DROWN IN THEIR OWN BULLSHIT RIVER! WHO GIVES A BIG RATS ASS WHAT MY WEIGHT IS RIGHT NOW, IM BLEEDING OUT.. THROWING UP ALL THE TIME AND HURTING INSIDE MY BONES LIKE A PIERCED MURDER VICTIM ..WEIGH MY SPARKLY ASHES WHEN YOU CREMATE ME. I REALLY DONT GIVE A SHIT! LOVE KIMMIE oh..BTW found out i have hashimotos and celiac disease.and fibromyalgia..I cant lose weight,  my hair falls out by the hand fulls, my teeth fall out, cant sleep, bones & muscles hurt, dry skin, cant poop, weak muscles, freeze to death, swollen fat face, early menopause, tired all the time, severe ocular migraines, need to kill people at the drop of a hat...dr says.. oh your fine just eat less exercise more and take these 75 medicines.. we will keep an eye on all the tumors on your breast and thyroid till you die :) put on your floaties and get back in that BULLSHIT RIVER! I went to a different Dr. that my friend told me about. I cried like a baby when I left because I finally felt like after all these years someone was finally listening to me and my sickness had a name. So what if I was going to die at least it had a name!!. She put me on the right medicine, the right hormones, and told me to stop eating wheat and get back off dairy for crying out loud and believe it or not I'm starting to feel like a normal human being. I take a shot everyday and a shot every week and 8 pills a day but its something. I'm not drowning in anyones bullshit just my own.

second rant

selfie world of torture ... what the actual fuck. i cant open any social media now days without a selfie feed and im gonna throw it up. why?? do you think you look that good and you have an emotional deep need to be told by everyone that sees it that you are soooo gorgeous... or do you loath yourself and a picture of your perfection must be posted on every screen because your personality sucks so bad your beauty is all you have...is there no one around you to put in the selfie that fills your life with joy.. that would be called a welfie? i have around 1000 friends and about 30 of them have an entire media of just self portraits of there face everyday. most of the time in the car, in front of the mirror, or in their bathroom. one guy looks like he has posted his head on different clothes like GI JOE OR BARBIE..same pose, same smile, just different outfit and one lady leaves her seat belt on in the picture EVERY SINGLE DAY! the only thing different is her shirt. I understand one here or there if you think you might be looking ok that day or if your hunting someone to see you and maybe beg to fuck you, but every single day and you only have pictures of your "living" as hey, this is how my six pack or lipstick looks today! my life is boring otherwise. read a book for shit sake , the world outside is phenomenal! the universe expands every second not just the dead cells that have grown from your head or fingers! i really could care less about the color of your fucking nail polish and that is about TWO OF THE MEN!!! i know.... im a bitch today

Rant of whats more likely...really??

im 51 years old and about 10 or 11 years ago i came to the conclusion that i had lived most of my life with the belief that there was a GOD who created me knew me loved me and would change the way of the world because i prayed to him. It all seems so absurd to me now and i feel as though the reason i believed is not because i felt his presence in my life but because that was what i was taught by everyone around me and what i needed to survive the horrible things that were happening in my life and in the world. God made the devil.. but no way he could be evil..?? love love love.. but the evidence is right the opposite of love when you think of what the bible actually says..or what your true thoughts about other people really are! i wonder sometimes do people even listen to how they talk??? *that baby girl was so sick and cancer eat her insides out and killed her slowly and painfully and she rotted from the inside out because GOD LOVED HER and saw fit that she would be a testimony of his perfect love?? ooorrrrr maybe she was being punished because someone in her family sinned and she would be the price for that sin... consequence because the brutal murder of Jesus was not enough. dont live this life on earth only look to heaven .. geez that is so fucking stupid. what is more likely? evolution of an animal species that created a god to rule over people and came up with anthropological ideas to explain how science works because we didnt have the answers we have now...(REMEMBER WE HAVE ABOUT 3000 RELIGIONS NOT JUST YOURS) ooooor, this vast universe was made by a spirit who just moved around in the middle east and watches our every move to see if we only worship him and has ABSOLUTELY NO REAL CONTACT WITH US ANYMORE EVER! except what we make up out of words written in a book by old men who killed who they wanted to, took what they wanted from everyone who was not as smart as they were and had sex with everyone they wanted, oh and free will, unless we dont want to do what he says, then we burn in hell or get swallowed by a whale and stuck in his belly until we comply. we are to trust and believe in this book until we need something that doesnt happen and then we are to believe it was his will..this god that loves us soooo much.. he needs us to suffer and be sick or get murdered or raped or abused to test our faith and love for him :( but he will help you find your car keys or buy that new dress youve wanted for days. but that tumor in uncle grandpas head can just keep on growing because hes not as good as you!?) my best friends son was tragically killed young, he was a good person.. but this drug filled piece of garbage over here, my ex son in law, has a great life and mistreats all gods good people.. he gets to live. get your new outfit on for the sunday service and pretend to pray and be holy, when all thats in the back of your mind is.. all these people suck but im great and whats for dinner after this bullshit!!! after all these years, over 12 yrs actually, I have never looked back or waivered on the belief that there is not! not! not! a god and really cant understand why people think he is real except for the fear of going to hell that has been pounded in your brain your whole life and you only read the part of the bible that makes you feel good. we now have the scientific method to exchange ideas and if we can come to the conclusion that we are a tiny wild flower that popped up and we are going to die, life would become so precious and we would know that evolution is a horrible and painful process that god did not invent.. even though since he did create evil and death and murder and rape and sin..why not right??? i dont kill people or mistreat people because i chose kindness not because im afraid to die and get punished by this god that loves me but because i chose life and a good life, to love others and care about someone besides myself and know that THIS IS IT! THE ONE TIME I GET A FEW SHORT YEARS TO LIVE MY BEST HAPPY LIFE AND IM GONNA MAKE IT GREAT!!! get over yourselves! your not so special that he keeps your tears in a bottle over your hurt feelings or your body breaking down or whether or not you like the car and house you own and want better for it. be a good person without needing an imaginary friend who is all powerful and has chosen not to show himself real to you because those feelings you get from praying and singing jesus music are the same feelings you get from your brain about new love or your team winning in that sport you pray about. REASON ... ITS THE ONLY TRUE EMOTIONAL HAPPINESS

what the fuck! my quest for relief of a headache and a fat ass!

okay its the 13th of August 2019. i weigh 189.0 today. its coming off so slow but worth it even though i am starving to fkn death. not being dramatic or anything but TO FUCKING DEATH..my shirts are too big.. my pants are baggin and i cant be happier about it. i have had about 40 migraines in the past few months and i am just about to lose my damn mind. my vision has been off for a week now.. i see flashes of different colors in the "front porch" of my 3-d eyesight. i have to act normal when my mind makes me feel like im living in a funhouse with stroblights and loud screams from clowns and tiny little gobblings running around me.. i feel like im retarded and should be in a corner rubbing shit in my hair. this struggle with a headache that is nothing like a headache can only be a curse. i cant even complete a full thought and have had to read everything at least twice with my eyes squint up...still blurry. fuck me! it makes me so mad! why cant i just be normal. i have to fight with food, fight with pain, worry my ass off about my kids and hubby. being sick doesnt get easy. i can say that being 51 and with all the problems that seem sure ahead, i still have never been happier. i love my life with my hubby and can say for sure its the greatest life even with the worries. he is pretty fantastic. i think i might be a mutant..noone can take this much pain at once.."super hero headache lady" my teeth feel numb today..how stupid does that sound and noone understands but i will not fall back on eating crap that makes me even sicker. ive been taking my side view pictures in the long mirror at work in the morning and its funny how my pictures look different as i get smaller but how it seems like im getting shorter?? but the reality of my huge fat ass everyday helps keep me in check even though ive finaallly cracked the less than 190 mark. maybe just maybe if my period desides to start ever again i will lose another 10 pounds of lady parts that i dont need anymore. but for now...today..i will be happy with the three pounds i keep going up and down and my life will be unicorns and pixie dust no matter big my ass is.

Turkey Burger Baby

When I got on the scale this morning, after not having any dinner last night except for a hot cup of mocha coffee , I am @ 196.6 lbs. my size 14 jeans do not cut my waste in half today and my shirt does not round up over my belly, which has gone down from sticking out past my floppy old lady titties. But for some damn reason after eating my healthy turkey burger with sweet peppers cut up inside it (which was delish) I got me a cup of joe and ate a pack of cheese crackers with 9 goddamn grams of fat in them!!!! wtf??? My mind kept saying, what are you doing! what the hell are you doing!!! they tasted like pure oily shit BTW and I did not stop and even breathe the entire time I was eating them. wash it down, wash it all the way down with mocha gold and never look back. Now I feel like a complete failure, a fatty fatty peter belly who cant control what she eats!. I cant, I really cant control myself, and nothing will stop me once I put my sights on something bad to eat. Not sure why I hate myself.... I really can control it you know. I have went days without eating not much of anything. It has been months since I have had a baby coke and used to down two or more a day. Oh and lets not talk about the bag of peanut butter cups I used to nibble on all day @ work. But in slow motion I watched myself sabotage my mission of being healthy for that few seconds of *what ever the fuck I want to do* it was like I was pissed off @ that turkey burger for being what it was! a healthy cunt! well lets just wait out another week to release 1 stupid LB and go on with our lives.... fuck!